Today, Morgan, Jack and I got a lot of things done. We went to the store and then took my nephew to the pool with us. We had a great afternoon. Then, I took all three kids to tae kwon do. They are getting ready for testing for belts. The first belt is an orange belt. Jack will test on Thursday and Morgan will test on Monday.
Part of the reason we do tae kwon do is to build confidence. The world is filled with various tests and life lessons that the kids have to endure. Formalized schooling requires so much of the kids. I think they enjoy these boundaries, the gentle nudge that testing provides is to remind them that they are capable. They are able to do what is asked. My kids are quiet and have difficulty speaking directly to adults. I want them to be confident, but not cocky.
I know this will be a gentle balance as they get more confident and start making progress in their belts, but I do appreciate how tae kwon do teaches respect of peers. The kids are expected to honor other kids before themselves. If they have a belt higher than another child, they are expected to willingly help others. They are expected to do good.
I am pleased that the kids are enjoying martial arts. Of course, it is their choice to take the classes. I am just glad that I have found a discipline they seem to enjoy that also reinforces the values of our family. We try to put an emphasis on public service, on doing good with your talents and living a purposeful life. We don't always get it right, but we just keep trying.
Some days I get to be the mom I want to be and live with cancer without letting it affect my ability to help my kids. Today was one of those days.
Blessings,
Lolo
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Another apology...
I know there are some grammatical errors in the post below, but I got tired of editing it, as before. So please forgive and have an excellent Sunday.
Lolo
Lolo
Getting stronger.
Today was the first Sunday since I started this chemotherapy that I have attended church. Church and my faith are very important to me, but it has been so difficult to have the energy to go on a Saturday night or a Sunday right after chemo on Friday. However, since we have made some med changes, I have felt stronger and stronger every day. I am not ready to go out and run or ride the bike, but I had a lot of energy yesterday to do many things around the house.
The last time I was in the Church common area, I was getting the Vacation Bible Classroom ready with my co-teachers. I got so sick that week, I wasn't able to teach. However, getting the classroom ready made me feel good. I would love to be a teacher. I am not sure it is on the agenda of things for me to do in life, but when I get to be involved with decorating a classroom...it always makes me feel special.
There was a lot of running up and down stairs while we got the classroom ready. Each time I took the stairs, I would feel weak or dizzy or winded. It was horrible. I tried to hide it around my co-teachers. I always try to hide the effects of the medicine if it is causing me problems. It is just pride and it just gets in the way and I am not happy to admit that I am prideful. I was also dehydrated. It was just a bad day because my meds were going a little haywire. I accept that there are bad days in this process, but I just don't like to share the negative very much. I want to be the ray of sunshine or hope for people...even that sounds arrogant and prideful, but I work on my intentions so they will always be pure. I am only human, though.
Today, when I went up the stairs to the church, I did not feel dizzy or disoriented. I was a little winded, but this is because exercise has been hard for me to do while on this chemo. I felt the walk up the stairs was a victory because I didn't feel each step as before. I didn't feel like stopping and bending over. Instead, I glided over the steps, cautiously yet optimistically keeping my eyes on the prize at the top of the stairs.
It is amazing to see with these eyes, with the perspective that life is such a privilege. It truly is, though. Walking up and down the stairs, being able to eat good food..these are all common things, but they are privileges that some people don't have. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened, that I am more compassionate to those who are different because I too feel different from the world. People always used to say that cliche saying "Well, you always have your health" as a form of consolation when you don't get "things" in life. But, what happens when you DON'T have your health? I can tell you that I just keep looking inside of me to find more strength and it is there. I keep thinking I might be at the brink of what the meds can do, but then I respond. I try to always live with hope and see the silver lining. More importantly, I don't let anyone steal my hope anymore. It is not theirs to take.
It is hard to live every day never taking anything for granted, but I try to approach each situation with that mindset. That nothing is giving to us and that most things we love, we must actively give away and hope it will come back to us. The people we truly care about, we do not own and at the end of the day, all of us are alone. This does not make me feel lonely as much as it used to, instead I feel empowered to know that the people in my life are actively making a choice to be around. We all have choices with how we spend our time and live our lives. I just want my life to be productive and honest and genuine. I will keep working on it. I will keep working on getting stronger, too. Progress is good.
The picture is of me with my wig and a funky hat I wore too church. I have always muted my style a little for fear that people would really know how crazy or eccentric I am. Since I have been stripped of all that is "normal", I do not worry about this as much. I am continuing to push myself to be the original me that God made. I was privileged to be able to go to church today and bound up the stairs with enthusiasm. I am thankful to see with these new eyes.
Have a wonderful and healthy day!
Blessings,
Lolo
Friday, July 4, 2008
Fierce and Fabulous 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July! I took these fierce pictures of Mo and Jack a couple of months ago when we were playing at the City Park in Leawood. We will head there tonight for fireworks and fun with family. I am feeling a lot better, which is such a blessing. I have done a lot of computer admin work today so that I could feel that I was accomplishing something, yet I wasn't being overly active. Have to save up energy for my beautiful kiddos and Michael!
I hope each of you are celebrating the 4th in FUN and FABULOUS way!
With love,
Lolo
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Low blood counts...what does this mean?
I got my complete blood count (CBC) today, which confirmed that all of my blood counts were low. I get my blood counts every week when I go into treatment and good or bad...I comb over the counts to understand everything. I thought I would explain a little bit of this science on the blog so you can know why people get infections or have low energy on chemotherapy. Now, remember I am not a doctor or a nurse. This is just amateur information sharing, yet i think it is important.
First of all, when doctors take a CBC, they are looking at a variety of things. However, the main points we will talk about are the importance of white blood cells and red blood cells. White blood cells help the immune system to fight infection. Red blood cell (RBC) count information includes platelets, hematocrit and RBCs. RBCs oxygenate the body and give us energy.
Chemotherapy is a term that represents a variety of drugs. Each drug attacks cancer cells in a unique fashion, but the commonality among chemo is that it goes after fast growing cells. These are the cells in our body that grow and divide quickly. Cancer grows quickly, but so do white blood cells and red blood cells. If a drug is deemed a chemo, it means that it does not have the ability to go after cancer cells without destroying good cells along the way. What the doctors try to figure out is how a patient's cells will respond to a chemo without destroying the rest of the body along the way.
Each chemo also has unique side effects based on the way they attack the cancer. It is important to know the name of your chemo and what it does at the cellular level. Sometimes this information can overwhelm patients. I have met people who don't know the name of the drugs they are on and I don't fault them. I understand it can be frightening, but for me...awareness is critical for my mind over matter fight. Also, I want to be a part of the decisions so understanding a medicine's benefit, even at a basic level, can help.
For me, this past week, my energy has been extremely low. I was fatigued, felt weak, dizzy, etc. It was not fun. I am starting to pull out of it, but am not there yet. When I looked at my counts, I could tell that they matched my feelings of being sick. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes your counts can be low and you don't know it, yet my body is pretty sensitive and I usually FEEL bad when my counts are super low. My platelets, hematocrit and red blood cells were all low. My white blood cells were low, but were not as concerning as the RBC information. The big thing for me right now is restoring my energy and restoring some strength.
We have decided to make some medicine changes to help with my RBC deficiency. Even with cancer, it is all about balance of life. I am continually thankful that I not only have a great doctor, but I have one who accepts me as part of the team. I do have difficulty admitting when I feel weak or sick so I brought Michael along to keep me honest today. I always want to act tough, like I can take every medicine they give me. However, sometimes the strong ones are the ones who can actually admit they are weak. So I am working on letting my walls down and admitting when I don't feel good so I can get the best care possible.
I am always learning and being humbled by this process. But, I know what my body can do and I know I will be back on my feet in no time. I am excited about the changes we are making and know they are right for my healing. Will keep you all posted, but for now I will nap.:)
Blessings,
Lolo
First of all, when doctors take a CBC, they are looking at a variety of things. However, the main points we will talk about are the importance of white blood cells and red blood cells. White blood cells help the immune system to fight infection. Red blood cell (RBC) count information includes platelets, hematocrit and RBCs. RBCs oxygenate the body and give us energy.
Chemotherapy is a term that represents a variety of drugs. Each drug attacks cancer cells in a unique fashion, but the commonality among chemo is that it goes after fast growing cells. These are the cells in our body that grow and divide quickly. Cancer grows quickly, but so do white blood cells and red blood cells. If a drug is deemed a chemo, it means that it does not have the ability to go after cancer cells without destroying good cells along the way. What the doctors try to figure out is how a patient's cells will respond to a chemo without destroying the rest of the body along the way.
Each chemo also has unique side effects based on the way they attack the cancer. It is important to know the name of your chemo and what it does at the cellular level. Sometimes this information can overwhelm patients. I have met people who don't know the name of the drugs they are on and I don't fault them. I understand it can be frightening, but for me...awareness is critical for my mind over matter fight. Also, I want to be a part of the decisions so understanding a medicine's benefit, even at a basic level, can help.
For me, this past week, my energy has been extremely low. I was fatigued, felt weak, dizzy, etc. It was not fun. I am starting to pull out of it, but am not there yet. When I looked at my counts, I could tell that they matched my feelings of being sick. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes your counts can be low and you don't know it, yet my body is pretty sensitive and I usually FEEL bad when my counts are super low. My platelets, hematocrit and red blood cells were all low. My white blood cells were low, but were not as concerning as the RBC information. The big thing for me right now is restoring my energy and restoring some strength.
We have decided to make some medicine changes to help with my RBC deficiency. Even with cancer, it is all about balance of life. I am continually thankful that I not only have a great doctor, but I have one who accepts me as part of the team. I do have difficulty admitting when I feel weak or sick so I brought Michael along to keep me honest today. I always want to act tough, like I can take every medicine they give me. However, sometimes the strong ones are the ones who can actually admit they are weak. So I am working on letting my walls down and admitting when I don't feel good so I can get the best care possible.
I am always learning and being humbled by this process. But, I know what my body can do and I know I will be back on my feet in no time. I am excited about the changes we are making and know they are right for my healing. Will keep you all posted, but for now I will nap.:)
Blessings,
Lolo
Feeling better.
Wow. What a crazy week. I am finally feeling a bit normal today, which is nice. I almost wrote yesterday, but I just wanted to rest. Every time I would get close to the computer, I would just get exhausted. I wasn't sure what to post about because i always try to remain so positive, but then I thought I could just tell you all a little about the chemotherapy and why it is having this effect on me. I can still stay positive in thought while explaining the harshness of chemo.
Fatigue is one of the side effects that is difficult to assess over time. Many of the side effects will come and go, depending on treatment schedule..yet fatigue sets in and builds. It is sort of bizarre, the type of fatigue that you feel in your bones. It is a weariness that is strange to me because I am usually so full of energy and ready to do anything. But, I am learning a lot through this season of rest and healing.
I am not sure why fatigue builds, but it does. My oncology nurse even explained it to me in that way, that fatigue is one of the hard symptoms to fight because the body is working so hard over time. Sometimes, I feel bad for my little body. It is overwhelmed, not sure what to do. In theory, the cancer became a friendly entity to my body so my natural killer cells did not try to fight it off...or did try, but had a hard time doing it.
Now we are barraging me with all these meds to ignite the fight my body should have initiated. I am hoping that my immune system is figuring things out and starting to pitch in, but it may be too confused right now. Regardless, these medicines are helping me a lot. The scan results were great, yet cancer still lives within me. The truth is that I could probably live way into my nineties with cancerous tumors in me...as long as they didn't grow.
The two things the doctors look for on the scans are growth and the level of SUV on the scans. The SUV is difficult to explain, but essentially the more glucose solution a tumor absorbs...the more ferocious the growth. They have cut my SUV in half with this chemo which is amazing and probably the most important thing. It is like taking the venom out of a snake. The less ferocious or aggressive the cancer, the lesser chance it will have to continue to overtake my immune system over time.
I should say that I think my immune system did a pretty good job before I got diagnosed. I was tired all of the time, but once I got diagnosed it explained so much about my fatigue. My body was fighting on its own without any meds and kept the cancer to small tumors. Regardless, cancer cells grow and divide more quickly in young women. It is just the way our bodies work. Everything moves more quickly more quickly for the young. (I have never prayed more for a slowing metabolism.:)
I will go in for Herceptin today. It is just a maintenance drug and it causes some mild fevers for me, but I can take Motrin for the fever. It will be nice to have a break from the chemo this week. I know I am winning the fight, but this is also a long journey that I have to condition myself for. I have more chemo to come, but for now I will just let my body heal as best I can...and work on acceptance of my short-term limitations. I am in this life for the long haul and sometimes there are bumps in the road.
Have a wonderful 4th of July!
Blessings,
Lolo
Fatigue is one of the side effects that is difficult to assess over time. Many of the side effects will come and go, depending on treatment schedule..yet fatigue sets in and builds. It is sort of bizarre, the type of fatigue that you feel in your bones. It is a weariness that is strange to me because I am usually so full of energy and ready to do anything. But, I am learning a lot through this season of rest and healing.
I am not sure why fatigue builds, but it does. My oncology nurse even explained it to me in that way, that fatigue is one of the hard symptoms to fight because the body is working so hard over time. Sometimes, I feel bad for my little body. It is overwhelmed, not sure what to do. In theory, the cancer became a friendly entity to my body so my natural killer cells did not try to fight it off...or did try, but had a hard time doing it.
Now we are barraging me with all these meds to ignite the fight my body should have initiated. I am hoping that my immune system is figuring things out and starting to pitch in, but it may be too confused right now. Regardless, these medicines are helping me a lot. The scan results were great, yet cancer still lives within me. The truth is that I could probably live way into my nineties with cancerous tumors in me...as long as they didn't grow.
The two things the doctors look for on the scans are growth and the level of SUV on the scans. The SUV is difficult to explain, but essentially the more glucose solution a tumor absorbs...the more ferocious the growth. They have cut my SUV in half with this chemo which is amazing and probably the most important thing. It is like taking the venom out of a snake. The less ferocious or aggressive the cancer, the lesser chance it will have to continue to overtake my immune system over time.
I should say that I think my immune system did a pretty good job before I got diagnosed. I was tired all of the time, but once I got diagnosed it explained so much about my fatigue. My body was fighting on its own without any meds and kept the cancer to small tumors. Regardless, cancer cells grow and divide more quickly in young women. It is just the way our bodies work. Everything moves more quickly more quickly for the young. (I have never prayed more for a slowing metabolism.:)
I will go in for Herceptin today. It is just a maintenance drug and it causes some mild fevers for me, but I can take Motrin for the fever. It will be nice to have a break from the chemo this week. I know I am winning the fight, but this is also a long journey that I have to condition myself for. I have more chemo to come, but for now I will just let my body heal as best I can...and work on acceptance of my short-term limitations. I am in this life for the long haul and sometimes there are bumps in the road.
Have a wonderful 4th of July!
Blessings,
Lolo
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Not feeling well today.
I am not feeling very well today. I don't really want to go through the details because I don't care for being negative. It looks like the fatigue from the chemotherapy is starting to catch up with me. There is not a lot that can be done except resting so that is what I will do. I do hope each of you have a wonderful day. I will write again tomorrow or the next day when I am feeling better.
Blessings,
Lolo
Blessings,
Lolo
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