I am a little tired today.

On post-chemo days, usually the first three days, I am tired off and on. Today is no different. I usually have groggy mornings with the afternoons. This morning was kind of a doozy, probably because I took the kids swimming yesterday when I should have been napping. But, the truth is that I just love being a mom and I want to do all the mom things I can. It is my first and most important job.

We did have fun at the pool, but I am still a little out of it today. Sometimes the anti-nausea meds do this to me too. It seems that most of them have a sedating effect on me. This can vary with each person, but they do seem to have this type of effect on me so that is why I try to schedule chemo near a weekend so Michael can be the primary person taking care of the kids or I can go to my mom and dads.

Mo was so sweet today. I don't know if this is sad or not, but I think it is truly special that she has adapted to this being in our life. She told me she wanted all of us to go swimming today, but that I did not have to get in the pool because I was tired from the medicine. She also said I had lots of things to do like write books, go on the computer, etc. We were just lounging around together watching a silly tv show and I just reminded her that my number one job is being a mom and it is my favorite job. She really seems to get it.

She is not afraid of cancer anymore like she used to be. She just gets that it is a part of our life. I am honestly in awe of what these medicines are able to do to this disease. I am excited for the day that I won't have to be on these particular medicines, mainly so my quality of life will return. In the meantime, though, I am constantly reminded by people around me that I can handle this. And, I truly believe I have never and will never be given anything I can't handle.

I speculate that we are probably looking at another year or so of hard fights against this disease, but I think the tables have turned and we have the cancer on the run. Before, when I would get scans, I was waiting for the bad news because I knew our meds weren't the right meds. Now, I know they are working. My little body is so sensitive, I actually feel them working in my liver. My liver will feel inflamed, at times, and will ache a little. This never happened before because my cancer cells, like most, are sneaky. They try to hide as they develop and simulate regular cells. This is until they get too big to ignore.

But, now when I feel the meds working, I know that is what it is. That it is striking out the cancer cells inside my liver. By the way, the miracle of the human body keeps my liver counts in check for the most part. It is amazing. My bilirubin count can vary, but it is always in the normal range. My detailed liver counts are coming down, which is a sign that the cancer is dissipating. We believe its power is diminishing and that the cells will either erode or turn into necrotic scar tissue. WOW. Amazing.

I am not sure how long I will be on these meds. I speculate for another two to three months. There is a clinical trial we are looking into that seems to be working on girls with similar cancer cells as mine. Remember, regardless of what my cancer does...I will always be on meds. The goal is to get me to a point that my cancer growth can be regulated via maintenance meds that increase quality of life. These drugs are being tested right now. I think I may even know which ones will work, but I will save that information until I get on them.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I wish I could wake up from this cancer nightmare and go back to being the "Healthy" Laura. But, then I remember that girl has been altered in such a positive way from this experience. She is no longer there, a better version of her exists. I also then remember that this is not-so-much of a nightmare. The nightmare is when people don't have meds or procedures that can help them....when the screenings aren't there to allow for early detection. I know many of you have lived through family experiences like that and I grieve for you. I know I can't always relate to everyone's loss, but I try to be empathetic. I must always have a grateful and giving heart because I am alive and will be here for a long time. And, I have the benefit of going through a trauma and continuing to survive and thrive so I can share my perspective with all of you.

Please have a wonderful Saturday.

Blessings,
Lolo