Sometimes, I wonder...

if my hair will ever grow back? The funny thing about chemo-induced alopecia is you do get to a point where you are so used to having no hair...that it is no big deal. I can become lazy. All summer I have worn hats because they are easier and I don't have to mess with hair so I don't. I have also worn do rags although I have even gotten a little sloppy with tying them perfectly. Sometimes, I will look at myself in the mirror and laugh because my do rag is practically off of my head.

I am not bold enough to go without anything on my scalp unless I am home and it is just the four of us. I will also be that way around my parents or my sister, but the truth is the world is not ready for a bald woman. Sometimes I think the world is not ready for a woman in a hat.

We went to church today and I wore a hat with my outfit. It was cute, but the funny thing is that you can tell I don't have hair. Even though I had a scarf over my head, in between my scalp and the hat..you can still tell that I don't have hair. I think this is because my eyelashes and brows are starting to erode and I am taking on the look of a cancer patient. But, also, my head fits in a hat differently when I don't have hair to fill it out.

Though I like all my hats, I must admit that it can be unnerving when people stare at me or give me a double take when I wear one of them. I never really know why they are looking at me. It brings out paranoia in me, which I don't think is a good personal trait. But, if I am being honest, it does make me feel that way initially. Then I wonder if they are trying to figure me out...what is making me look different? It is hard to figure it out, at first, but the absence of hair can be a subtle thing. ...especially when someone is hiding behind a hat.

Sometimes, I want to rip my hat off and show them my bald head. Other times, I just feel like ignoring it. Then there are other times that I just laugh at myself because it is so self-centered to be THAT paranoid to think people are worried about what is going on with me. I have always been of the mindset that we are all just worried about ourselves more than each other. We are all just working through our own neurotic behavior to try to fit in this world. We are all doing the same thing, taught from elementary school to look like everyone else. And, when we think people are talking about us or staring at us...most likely, they are not.

However, the most important thing is that I know I am learning a lot from this life lesson. I also realize it is a lesson that I may have needed to learn. I would never force this on anyone and would wish that none of you ever have to endure chemo or its side effects. But, somehow I think I am a better person because I have had to go through this hair loss three times. It has made me more open and compassionate. If I see someone rockin' the bald look, I glance at them boldly and smile, but never stare. I also try really hard to make everyone feel comfortable with themselves regardless of what they look like. I tried to do that before, but I realize now I spent my whole life looking the norm and fitting in pretty well. Now, I can understand what it FEELS like to be different and I getting more okay with it every day.

I hope I continue to learn from my hair loss and become a more empathetic soul. I want to evolve, want to be better and truly see people for what they are on the inside all of the time. I hope I not only see when someone feels awkward in my social setting, but I hope I work to make them feel comfortable and connected to this world. I hope I get better at recognizing who I am on the inside so that I can stick up for others all of the time, so that I can be loving and so I can stop worrying what I look like to the world...and instead worry about how I can help the world. How I look does not matter as long as my health is good and I am evolving. That is what I will keep in mind the next time "I think" someone is staring at me. :)

Blessings to each of you...with our without hair!
Lolo