Search for Meaning

No hair loss yet. Not sure why, it should be coming out by this weekend. I asked my hairstylist to cut my hair super short this week because it was already starting to ache. I am not sure why this happens, but when chemo-induced alopecia takes place on the scalp, it really hurts. I learned the last time that it is just best to shave it off once the floodgates open up. However, those gates have not opened yet so for now i am enjoying a little more hair than I will have in a week. Since she cut the hair off, there is less aching, which is nice.

I have promised both Morgan and Jack that they can shave my head when the time comes. This really helps younger kids to feel a part of the process and to somehow take control of it. It is the same for me. I look for things or situations that will help me feel empowered. Granted there are a lot of choices with cancer that are not really choices, they are "must-do's"...such as doing chemotherapy and/or a surgery. Sometimes the options are limited. However, even in those situations, I come to a place where I feel as though I am accepting the decision. I may not be in control of what is going on, but I can take part in acceptance...which is HUGE.

I have met many cancer survivors in my last three years who are really "survive and thrive" kinda girls. These are the ones who take charge of their medical team, evaluate their nutrition and take part in ALL choices associated with their disease. The come to the table with good questions and don't accept answers that don't make sense. They make the doctors explain things so they can understand. These women thrive through cancer, often find a real identity for themselves through this awful health issue. They find their voice and they start using it!

I have also met women who have what I like to call 'Be-my-brain syndrome". These are the ones who accept the doctors assigned to them and just try to close their eyes through the whole experience. There may be shame associated with the disease, their may be guilt. I do not fault these women for feeling this way. There are times that all of us feel that way. I would love for there to be a Laura Plunkett sitting across the table from me...she would be five years older than now and she would tell me all the decisions to make. But, that is not the way life works. We can choose to the let the doctors make all the decisions, but often we will find ourselves feeling powerless in the situation because we are taking a passive seat in the cancer car.

About three months before I got diagnosed, I read this book called "A Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Frankl wrote about his experience in a Nazi Germany concentration camp. He was a psychiatrist, an observer. What he learned through his experience was that the people who could visualize themselves on the other side of the camp...the ones who found purpose in their situation were the ones who survived. The ones who took a backseat to the process and had given up hope, they were often the ones who did not make it through the camps for various reasons.

This book was so enlightening for me. It is still one of my favorites. It gave me tools to understand my cancer situation, to know that I must find a purpose and that I can survive this wretched disease. I have had a couple of times when doctors have stolen my hope or made me feel a lesser of a patient, but those situations are so few and far between. They are miniscule in relation to the wonderful, empowering medical team I have.

I have found purpose in my disease. I own it. I call it "my disease" because it is mine. I do not think it is ugly, in fact it is just a part of me. I face it daily and I work on every aspect of myself (including personality, mental health, emotional health, physical health, nutrition). I have transformed my life from the anxious girl four years ago to the woman who takes on cancer. There is no stone unturned from my end because I am in a battle for my life and I plan on winning. I also want to help each and every one of you address your own health issues. YOU are part of my purpose. I don't mind being the guinea pig with this and I know we have had a lot of downs on this journey that are probably easier to focus on than the ups. But, if you think of those downs, just try to visualize me as a 90-year-old scrappy grandma who is still riding her bike and teaching her grandkids to do the same. That is what I see in my future.

Find purpose in your health issues and recognize the small steps of progress that you make each day because they matter!

Blessings,
Lolo