When I was a kid....

Some of you may not know me very well while others of you have known me since I was a little girl. So, I wanted to tell or remind some of you that when I was a kid, I was that shy little girl...the one who hid behind the brightness of her big sister's light or the legs of her mother. When relatives came over, I was afraid of them. If I did not see people on a daily basis, I was terribly shy around them. My kindergarten year was horrific. It was my introduction to traditional school, but I was so shy that I cried when my mom left and my teacher didn't know how to tolerate it. I went through my cry-baby phase at the age of 4 because I was not as tough as the other kids on the block and I was always picked last on the neighborhood baseball team, regardless of my skill. In junior high and high school, I worked to remain "Good". I became so good that I think my peers were not sure how to deal with me. I don't blame them at all. In retrospect, I believe I was invisible...even to myself.

Because of my inherent shyness, it was difficult for me to open up to others and to share. It was hard for me to accept my voice and know that others wanted to know me. I could do so in writing. Writing was easy. So was standing on a stage and public speaking. But personal sharing was not so easy for me. Some of you may notice that I still struggle with expressing myself at a one-on-one level. When people look directly at me, I often look away. I also struggle with asking for what I need in a relationship and will often just accept exactly what people give to me. People have sometimes misunderstood my shyness and desire to be good as being aloof. But, over time, people understand that I am not that way at all. I really enjoy sharing and giving and being a thoughtful friend.

Cancer opened me up so much. Altered me from the girl who wouldn't change clothes in a locker room with other women to someone who will show her scars, upon request...well all the socially appropriate ones. It has made me open up emotionally to strangers and recognize that my cancer is not just my own...it is my family's, my friend's, etc. In some ways, it is easier for me to assess the disease because it is happening to me. It is easier for me to know the strength of the medicines or the power behind the scalpel because I feel the work being done. I think it is harder to be the stander-by because regardless of what I may communicate...there is still a feeling of helplessness for some.

I have tried to mitigate that feeling through through emailing and communicating to people via phone, but it is overwhelming for Michael and me. We have found that the news spreads faster than we can anticipate. I feel bad when I don't have timem to communicate to someone directly. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, but the cancer issue is way bigger than me. I am just a part of it. Sometimes people look at me with fear...fear for me and fear of me. It doesn't matter, it reads the same to me. Sometimes uninformed people have spread misinformation with good intentions. People sometimes react to me in very strange ways and I am still learning to accept that I can not always be the one to convey information about myself. Because of all of these things, I created the blog. I wanted to be the source of the information that is shared so people can have an accurate view. I also want to make it easier for any of you to feel a part of the journey even though you are not the one going through it. I don't want anyone to feel left out, yet I have found that I can not meet everyone's needs...a truth I am learning to accept.

Regardless of my efforts, there have still been some people in my life who want back-stage passes to me and my disease. The numbers are few at this point, but these people either want me to constantly update them first-hand or they just want more of me than I can give to a relationship outside my family. For those of you who don't really know me, I fight hard not to fill that demand and meet that need. I am a caregiver at heart, a good student and a people pleaser. I want to make people's world's better, to ease their pain. I also enjoy making people happy. But, I have given so much of myself in the past that there has been no energy left for me. I believe that is when cancer crept in so I have had to reroute my energy so I can nurture myself through emotional, physical and mental practices. Yet, Michael and I have had to set some clear boundaries with some people so that they will not overwhelm our world. We have cancer in the family. It is like having a third child. It takes that much attention and time, as it should. We are combatting it with the best of meds and docs, but it is a difficult foe. It wants to win, but SO DO I. It needs a lot of attention, even though I am a tough competitor. So, I have to retreat from the world, at times, to fight. Please don't take offense to that, just know that is what I am doing. I am learning how to live with cancer.

An anonymous commenter made some interesting comments on the other day on the blog. This person was clearly angry with me and I am sorry for that. I feel pretty sure that this person is one of the people we have had to set clear boundaries with and they may comment even more when I make this post. I regret that we have had to set these limits because I couldn't take care of my health and family or blog any of you if I updated this person as much as they would like and/or stayed in a toxic relationship. I could not meet their needs, they wanted too much of me. I appreciate that some of you came to my defense in your comments, but I encourage all of you to not spend too much more energy on this person's comments. They have their agenda they are trying to push, which is not about the blog at all. It is natural for them to be angry with me because I am not doing what they want. But I am an adult and like all of you...I have to make choices in the people I let in my world of Plunkett. I wasn't very good at this before cancer, but I am learning to find my voice and make my own decisions. I will just have to accept that not everyone agrees with them. I can't change this person's perspective on wanting more of my time. It is not something I can give. I have Michael, Morgan, Jack and Cancer. These are the things that matter.

Please know I would not blog if I didn't want to..I wouldn't make myself so vulnerable to you if I didn't think there was a message to be shared. Also know, at heart, I am still just that shy girl who wants to hide behind my mom's legs again...but I can't because I have learned so much through this journey. I am forcing myself in front of those legs and walking towards the fight and communicating to you while doing so. I am also setting healthy boundaries for my life, that is one of the life lessons I am working on. Please know it is not easy to be graceful all of the time. I am also a clutz, at heart, too. :) I hope you can throw some kindness my way if I ever sound rough. Tone is not something I can convey via a blog, but my voice is strong, yet soft. There is no bitterness or angryness in me. It is not a part of my soul.

My messsage the other day might have sounded defensive if you didn't know me. That was not how it was meant. There is just no good way to communicate cancer and there is no good way to react to it. Cancer is not graceful. It makes all of us stumble over our words. To avoid sounding defensive in the future, I will not spend any more time putting warnings on my blogs about bad information. I will assume each of you know my battle is a hard one, but that you believe in me. Good cheers and positivity are what I need now. I will assume you know that. I really do appreciate your support. I am sensitive to others...I will be that mom who goes after the shy kid at a school party to help them feel welcome. I want everyone to feel good. So I have tried to address the angry commenters concerns but this is all the energy I will spend toward it. I would encourage the commenter to start their own blog if they want to make more comments like that. Free speach is available, but this blog is about fighting cancer, not the agenda of this commenter...

I would also encourage you to eat your veggies and believe in your good health! Thanks for your support! Rock on, bloggers!

Blessings,
Lolo