So, I had a dream the other night that was kind of strange. I have many dreams, lots of them are vivid. Sometimes I have to take one or more of my oral meds at night, which I think contributes to these dreams. My dream the other night included me cutting the tail off of a rattlesnake with a pair of household scissors. The rattlesnake was a friend's and I apologized for doing this afterwards, yet I was compelled to do it. It was as if I had no choice.
Yesterday, I remembered the dream and wondered if it had something to do with my cancer. When I was a child, I didn't understand snakes. The actual rattle on a rattlesnake was so intimidating to me, in thought, that I assumed the rattle was where the snake's power was. It took me a long time to figure out that the venom of a smake like this was injected in its prey through its bite.
I have decided that me cutting the rattle off of the snake in the dream directly correlates to my response to this chemotherapy. Even if the rattle doesn't contain the poison, it does convey the power of the snake. It does ward of predators. It is part of its own defense system. I am just going to assume that I was not only cutting the tail off of the snake, but that we are cutting the legs off of my cancer with these medicines.
We are striking at the perception of its power and will eventually take the toxin out of the actual venom. The snake has no defenses and will soon have no strength. Eventually it will shrink, disappear or become necrotic. Already, we have put some fear in the snake, eventually it will be overwhelmed by us. The predator will become a prisoner and will have no ability to grow. THAT is what will happen to the snake!
Blessings,
Lolo
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
What is so special about being NORMAL?
I am not sure that I have ever been normal. I think people would describe me as sensitive, eccentric, artistic, energetic, but I am not sure I would ever be described as normal. I have spent my entire life trying to be unique, yet also at times, having a desire to blend into the background. I mean, I do live in the heart of the midwest.
Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to be normal. It seems a little silly to me. God made us all unique with interesting faces, bodies, minds, etc. I wonder why I try so hard not to respect the originality of me...to pretend I am like everyone else. The truth is that no one is like everyone else. We are all different and that is good.
Paranoia and self-absorption are two states of mind that I despise, yet they seem to be locked arm in arm. My personal opinion is that a paranoid person is someone who spends too much time thinking about themselves...thinking about how other people hate them or think about them or look at them or...whatever. You get my point. If you are spending so much time thinking about all of these things, then you can't do your own thing. You can't fulfill your own purpose because you are letting perceptions of what other people think get in the way. The truth is they are probably not thinking about you and if they are, it is only how you fit in their perceptions of their world.
When I say "YOU" in the last paragraph, I really mean me. This cancer business does get in the way for me. It does affect my perceptions. When someone does a double-take at me in public now, I always wonder if they are thinking I have cancer cooties. I never think it is anything good, that is always bad. For example, I really prefer to wear a do-rag or a hat with my hair loss. Yet, at times, I wear a wig just because I don't want to mess with looking different. I also wear a wig if we have kids around because I just want them to feel normal.
However, it is really funny even when I wear a wig...my kids tell all of their friends that I am bald. So, it seems that even when I am pretending that things are NORMAL, my kids are pushing me to be me. I listened to Morgan tell one of her friends how I have cancer and I am on chemo. I was so proud of her awareness, of her ability to accept and explain to her little friend. Her friend was so sweet. I heard her say that I was still pretty even with no hair. Kids are so cool sometimes. They really get what matters. They really see us for who we are, not who we are trying to be.
I am really going to continue to work on my originality, on my eccentric ways. I do believe that part of this journey for me is to accept who I am. I am going to try to look at other people directly in the eye when I wear my hats or do rags. I am going to try to smile and be myself. And, I am going to do things that I am afraid of...like art classes. I always thought I was good at art until I took it in ninth grade. The teacher and I did not get along and affected my confidence in being a true artist (writer, painter, etc.)
Another way I am pushing myself is with my body. I have scars all over my 5 foot 3 frame, mainly in the abdomen part of my body. But, I have decided to wear a two-piece bathing suit this year. It is my fave suit, it is a deep green that works well with my skin tone and I have decided my scars need a tan. They mostly blend in with the rest of my skin, but they have made me feel insecure...so I am done with that emotion! And, instead of hiding behind clothes so other girls will like me better, I am just going to ROCK whatever look works for me. If people get funny, I can always remind them I am bald under my floppy hat.:)
Breast cancer can strip a girl of many things that makes her feel like a woman...hair, libido, breasts, etc. So, any look that makes me feel comfortable is something that I should embrace. Through this refinement process, I think a better me is emerging...the REAL ME. And, when my hair does grow in enough (it is already starting back), I have vowed I am gonna wear it bold and short and red. I want to keep it short because I can wear it short, but also because I never want a hair decision to effect a health decision.
I am a warrior against cancer. I must always stay fit and prepared to fight. Hair is a big deal to me so I have to break it down a little so it doesn't matter that much. Besides, short and bold and eccentric is who I am. I will learn to accept it! What is so special about being normal anyway?
I hope each of you learn to ROCK your own originality...because that is true beauty!
Blessings,
Lolo
Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to be normal. It seems a little silly to me. God made us all unique with interesting faces, bodies, minds, etc. I wonder why I try so hard not to respect the originality of me...to pretend I am like everyone else. The truth is that no one is like everyone else. We are all different and that is good.
Paranoia and self-absorption are two states of mind that I despise, yet they seem to be locked arm in arm. My personal opinion is that a paranoid person is someone who spends too much time thinking about themselves...thinking about how other people hate them or think about them or look at them or...whatever. You get my point. If you are spending so much time thinking about all of these things, then you can't do your own thing. You can't fulfill your own purpose because you are letting perceptions of what other people think get in the way. The truth is they are probably not thinking about you and if they are, it is only how you fit in their perceptions of their world.
When I say "YOU" in the last paragraph, I really mean me. This cancer business does get in the way for me. It does affect my perceptions. When someone does a double-take at me in public now, I always wonder if they are thinking I have cancer cooties. I never think it is anything good, that is always bad. For example, I really prefer to wear a do-rag or a hat with my hair loss. Yet, at times, I wear a wig just because I don't want to mess with looking different. I also wear a wig if we have kids around because I just want them to feel normal.
However, it is really funny even when I wear a wig...my kids tell all of their friends that I am bald. So, it seems that even when I am pretending that things are NORMAL, my kids are pushing me to be me. I listened to Morgan tell one of her friends how I have cancer and I am on chemo. I was so proud of her awareness, of her ability to accept and explain to her little friend. Her friend was so sweet. I heard her say that I was still pretty even with no hair. Kids are so cool sometimes. They really get what matters. They really see us for who we are, not who we are trying to be.
I am really going to continue to work on my originality, on my eccentric ways. I do believe that part of this journey for me is to accept who I am. I am going to try to look at other people directly in the eye when I wear my hats or do rags. I am going to try to smile and be myself. And, I am going to do things that I am afraid of...like art classes. I always thought I was good at art until I took it in ninth grade. The teacher and I did not get along and affected my confidence in being a true artist (writer, painter, etc.)
Another way I am pushing myself is with my body. I have scars all over my 5 foot 3 frame, mainly in the abdomen part of my body. But, I have decided to wear a two-piece bathing suit this year. It is my fave suit, it is a deep green that works well with my skin tone and I have decided my scars need a tan. They mostly blend in with the rest of my skin, but they have made me feel insecure...so I am done with that emotion! And, instead of hiding behind clothes so other girls will like me better, I am just going to ROCK whatever look works for me. If people get funny, I can always remind them I am bald under my floppy hat.:)
Breast cancer can strip a girl of many things that makes her feel like a woman...hair, libido, breasts, etc. So, any look that makes me feel comfortable is something that I should embrace. Through this refinement process, I think a better me is emerging...the REAL ME. And, when my hair does grow in enough (it is already starting back), I have vowed I am gonna wear it bold and short and red. I want to keep it short because I can wear it short, but also because I never want a hair decision to effect a health decision.
I am a warrior against cancer. I must always stay fit and prepared to fight. Hair is a big deal to me so I have to break it down a little so it doesn't matter that much. Besides, short and bold and eccentric is who I am. I will learn to accept it! What is so special about being normal anyway?
I hope each of you learn to ROCK your own originality...because that is true beauty!
Blessings,
Lolo
Saturday, June 28, 2008
One more note...
Regarding Pass It On, any addresses or personal information you give me...remains with me. The purpose of the information is to share, that is all. I will never sell or share your information with anyone.
Have a wonderful Saturday!
Lolo
Have a wonderful Saturday!
Lolo
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Pass It On!
Pass It On! is the name of my non-profit organization I started. We officially became a non-profit under the umbrella of the Greater Kansas City Community Foundation last week. The purpose of organization is to eradicate the fear of breast cancer through education and awareness. Komen is working for the CURE, which is exceptional. My goal is to demystify cancer...to clip its wings so its fear can not fly in your world.
I started this grassroots effort in 2005 when I got diagnosed with breast cancer. The first campaign consisted of a mailing that included a letter (with my personal story) to every woman that I knew with awareness documentation I obtained from the Susan G. Komen organization. I had evaluated various Breast Self Exam cards and determined I really liked theirs the best over other any others.
The second and third year included variations of the first year, just a little more polished. The packet has always included my own personal story along with self-exam cards and information that anyone recipient can pass on to a friend. Each recipient is to take the packet that is for them and pass the other one on to a dear person in their life. Eventually, I want to have the admin piece more streamlined so that I can spend time gathering other survivor stories from other women. I love being a conduit for other people to share...so that is my goal.
I only mail to a willing audience so either the direct individual will give me addresses or a friend will give the address. Either way, we try to make sure that we are only mailing to people who want awareness documentation and will be receptive to it. The reason for this is that there is a lot of thought and time put into the way we create the packet. We want to make it easy for people, but at the same time...I don't want people to think I believe they will get cancer because I got it. I don't want to push a negative message on anyone, only a positive message.
This year, we are working on creating educational events that would allow survivor stories to couple with oncology and breast health nurses. This way the education piece will still happen. I can tell you my story in layman's terms, but I am not an official medical health professional so I want a nurse there to help me along the way and create a message of positivity. All of these efforts may take time, but the end goal is to be the liasion between the medical community and the normal woman.
I don't want Komen self exam cards staying on the shelf somewhere...I want them in the hands of women who want to take charge of their health. I want all people, male or female, to take charge of their health. However, I know that my experience as a survivor has given me credibility in this area, in breast cancer. So, because of that, this is my cause.
I will be working on a website over the next six months. For the 2008 campaign, if you want to add yourself to the mailing, please email me at lplunkett@kc.rr.com. This is great for friends, family, etc. This year's packet will have pictures of my whole family and talk a lot about what chemotherapy is like....the demystification of chemotherapy. The message will be light, but we will also have Komen documentation enclosed as well. We would love to include any and all of you...your mother"s, your friends, your family. For those of you who give me names and addresses, we will let the recipient know that you were the one who gave us this information.
The mailing is continuing to grow into many things. We may be involved in some health awareness events this year at hospitals. Additionally, we are working to get speaking events scheduled for the Fall. I am starting small, just wanting to make myself available to businesses, churches, or schools to provide awareness documentation and answer questions. If that is something anyone you all are interested in, just email me as well.
One passionate person, making a difference one day at a time. That is Pass It On. All great movements of change begin with one passionate person. That is me and it could be YOU! Think about it...
Blessings,
Lolo
I started this grassroots effort in 2005 when I got diagnosed with breast cancer. The first campaign consisted of a mailing that included a letter (with my personal story) to every woman that I knew with awareness documentation I obtained from the Susan G. Komen organization. I had evaluated various Breast Self Exam cards and determined I really liked theirs the best over other any others.
The second and third year included variations of the first year, just a little more polished. The packet has always included my own personal story along with self-exam cards and information that anyone recipient can pass on to a friend. Each recipient is to take the packet that is for them and pass the other one on to a dear person in their life. Eventually, I want to have the admin piece more streamlined so that I can spend time gathering other survivor stories from other women. I love being a conduit for other people to share...so that is my goal.
I only mail to a willing audience so either the direct individual will give me addresses or a friend will give the address. Either way, we try to make sure that we are only mailing to people who want awareness documentation and will be receptive to it. The reason for this is that there is a lot of thought and time put into the way we create the packet. We want to make it easy for people, but at the same time...I don't want people to think I believe they will get cancer because I got it. I don't want to push a negative message on anyone, only a positive message.
This year, we are working on creating educational events that would allow survivor stories to couple with oncology and breast health nurses. This way the education piece will still happen. I can tell you my story in layman's terms, but I am not an official medical health professional so I want a nurse there to help me along the way and create a message of positivity. All of these efforts may take time, but the end goal is to be the liasion between the medical community and the normal woman.
I don't want Komen self exam cards staying on the shelf somewhere...I want them in the hands of women who want to take charge of their health. I want all people, male or female, to take charge of their health. However, I know that my experience as a survivor has given me credibility in this area, in breast cancer. So, because of that, this is my cause.
I will be working on a website over the next six months. For the 2008 campaign, if you want to add yourself to the mailing, please email me at lplunkett@kc.rr.com. This is great for friends, family, etc. This year's packet will have pictures of my whole family and talk a lot about what chemotherapy is like....the demystification of chemotherapy. The message will be light, but we will also have Komen documentation enclosed as well. We would love to include any and all of you...your mother"s, your friends, your family. For those of you who give me names and addresses, we will let the recipient know that you were the one who gave us this information.
The mailing is continuing to grow into many things. We may be involved in some health awareness events this year at hospitals. Additionally, we are working to get speaking events scheduled for the Fall. I am starting small, just wanting to make myself available to businesses, churches, or schools to provide awareness documentation and answer questions. If that is something anyone you all are interested in, just email me as well.
One passionate person, making a difference one day at a time. That is Pass It On. All great movements of change begin with one passionate person. That is me and it could be YOU! Think about it...
Blessings,
Lolo
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thatcher was right!
Michael got a call from our oncology nurse today. It looks like the medicines are working wonders in my body. WOW. So exciting. She said my oncologist is very happy with the results. Overall, oncologist are extremely cautious people....especially when giving medical results. Regardless, it looks like the medicines are not only shrinking the cancer away, but it is cutting the virility of the cancer in half. This last point is hard to explain, but basically my body probably didn't light up as much on the scans so the cancer is less ferocious than before.
The short-term plan of attack is to stay on the medicines we are doing. We will discuss all of the details at my appointment on Friday, but this seems like a prudent thing to do. I would do the medicine until the larger tumor on my liver is actually gone...or it is deemed indolent. This means that it would not be growing or doing anything in my body. I believe any small tumors will go away or time so I don't really worry as much about those. I realize that I may be live with a tumor in my body for the rest of my life. I don't really care as long as the cancer is stable and no growth is taking place. This can happen.
I will explain more through other people's stories later what all of this means. But, for now, just wanted you all to know that Thatcher was right. My medicines are working. We are striking my cancer at the knees. I am grateful, thankful and in wonder of all my meds. I am also thankful for all of you. Your positivity is amazing!
Blessings,
Lolo
The short-term plan of attack is to stay on the medicines we are doing. We will discuss all of the details at my appointment on Friday, but this seems like a prudent thing to do. I would do the medicine until the larger tumor on my liver is actually gone...or it is deemed indolent. This means that it would not be growing or doing anything in my body. I believe any small tumors will go away or time so I don't really worry as much about those. I realize that I may be live with a tumor in my body for the rest of my life. I don't really care as long as the cancer is stable and no growth is taking place. This can happen.
I will explain more through other people's stories later what all of this means. But, for now, just wanted you all to know that Thatcher was right. My medicines are working. We are striking my cancer at the knees. I am grateful, thankful and in wonder of all my meds. I am also thankful for all of you. Your positivity is amazing!
Blessings,
Lolo
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A brand new day...
During the summer, the sunlight creeps into our bedroom and wakes me up earlier than I would like. Yet, once I finally succumb to the call of the day... I am always grateful for the clean slate in which we all get to live. We can write our own actions and paint our own world within the confines of a new day. EACH day is a new adventure. Sometimes, I can forget this, but I try to quickly pull back into my world which includes four children on a daily basis. Morgan and Jack are mine. Thatcher and Landrum are my sisters. We spend a lot of time with this posse of little people and the lessons I learn are wonderful.
Thatcher (see picture of Thatch and me) , my five-year-old nephew, ran up to my car yesterday before my scan appointment and told me, first thing how he that he thought I would get good results and that my medicine was working. He was actually waiting outside for us, which I thought he was waiting to play with Mo and Jack. But, it turned out he was waiting for ME. I asked my sis about his words and she said he came up with it all on his own...that he wanted to talk about my appointment that day. Then, it just came to him like a bolt of awareness, that I would get good results. His epiphany was redemptive to me. I was amazed at the adult way in which he delivered such thoughtful words.
Thatch has been on my mind through my last set of treatments. He is five now and has noticed my hair loss more and the fact that I am gone for treatments and not playing with the posse. He was very cute one day when he was tired and 'fessed up that he thought my kids were getting more grandparent time because of my "tuna"...which, i figured out meant, "tumor". We talked it out among Thatcher and me and we decided that I was the only one getting more grandma and grandpa...so he was okay with that. I truly appreciated his candor and ability to tell me such a raw thought, but it turned out that he was just tired. He was not jealous, he is probably one of the most empathetic people I know. Such a sweet kid.
My sister and her husband are always there for Michael and me. So are my mom and dad...not that other family isn't there. It is just easier for me to ask my family because they want to and need to be a part of this process. We all work hard to normalize this strange disease for each of the four grandkids. We let them do medical play, if that helps, and answer any random questions that come up along with way. Mo helped me reveal my bald head to Thatch and Landrum. They just giggled. We accept each child's curiosity and respect their role in the process. I learned early on that this was not just my cancer, but it was my family's disease, too. The family's roles are different, yet just as important as mine. The children are included in this definition of family and we treat each of them as unique individuals.
Morgan is seven and Jack is four. They have been used to cancer for so long now..and I see their empathy to others who look different or feel sick. It doesn't happen all of the time, but when I see their empathy...I am redeemed. It has been so amazing to watch Thatcher come along in this way. I was worried about him, but as it turns out, I think he was more worried about me...and about Morgan and Jack. I always know I have a burden to teach the kids about this situation, but I am amazed when they surprisingly "school" me with their inherent trust in the healing process. Seeing myself through their eyes is a saving grace.
Gotta go hang out with Mo, Jack, Thatch and Landrum.
Enjoy your brand new day!
Blessings,
Lolo
Monday, June 23, 2008
Scans done, we're going swimming!
My scans are done. They went fine. The worst part for me is not being able to drink fluids. But there is no complaining. We will get results from my doctor sometime over the next couple of days. I always have the doctor call Michael and give him the results. I will keep you all posted, but I must admit...I felt better than ever in these scans, knowing that all of you were holding me up. I will write a little more about the detail of scans later. There were a few things I forgot.
But, for now, Morgan, Jack and I are heading to the pool! And, I did get to eat a big cheeseburger at about 4pm in the hospital cafeteria. I am sure my family was happy because I am not the best version of myself if I am hungry. I don't know anyone who isn't a little grumpy when hungry.:)
Thanks for reading and all of your support! I will let you know about the scans when I know more, but in the meantime, I am sure I will post about other things...like my non-profit organization status I just got for my foundation, or my short story that is going to be published in a book in the Fall, etc.
Life is good. Blessings to all of you!
Lolo
But, for now, Morgan, Jack and I are heading to the pool! And, I did get to eat a big cheeseburger at about 4pm in the hospital cafeteria. I am sure my family was happy because I am not the best version of myself if I am hungry. I don't know anyone who isn't a little grumpy when hungry.:)
Thanks for reading and all of your support! I will let you know about the scans when I know more, but in the meantime, I am sure I will post about other things...like my non-profit organization status I just got for my foundation, or my short story that is going to be published in a book in the Fall, etc.
Life is good. Blessings to all of you!
Lolo
I wear my gloves...
Cycling is a sport that requires a lot of gear. There is the helmet, the pants with appropriate cushioning, the jersey, etc. My favorite piece of gear besides my actual BIKE is the gloves. I have summer gloves and winter gloves. They are Pearl Izumi brand and they are black with light blue trim. Sometimes, when I have different procedures, I wear my gloves. Finding the bike has helped me remember who I am so I wear my gloves to remind me how tough I am. Because they look like weight lifting gloves, they do make you look a little tough. Today, I will also have one of my do-rags on so it may make me look a little tougher. My small frame will work against me in this regard...but I just pretend that I can run with the boys, even when I can't.
I did want to explain what type of information these scans provide. The PET scan, positron emission tomography, is so amazing. What they do is make me fast for four hours before the scan...so I am fasting now. When I get there, the nuclear medicine specialists will inject me with a glucose solution. Then they will make me sit still and not move for a while. The solution will migrate to various parts of the body, naturally. These are the brain, the pelvis and the throat. These areas are automatically excluded from any results of the scan. The solution will also migrate to cancer because cancer cells take up the glucose solution. Cancer loves glucose. The reason I don't move is because if I did, the solution would get confused and move to the muscles I am using. It would muddy all results and we would have to start all over.
With the PET scan, the cancerous cells will LIGHT UP on the scan. Not only will they light up, but they may even show varying degrees of color, which would indicate the level and degree in which my body is taking up this solution. The higher the solution uptake or the more spots that light up, the more concern there is. Now, they have been doing these scans on me for a while and they have all the old scan information to compare to the scans I get today. Because we have been doing such harsh chemo, most likely we will see a reduction in tumor size and/or amount. Fingers crossed, but I am pretty confident it will happen!
A couple of things to keep in mind, I actually chose my medical team based on the inclusion of these types of procedures. So, although they make me nervous, this was my actual decision to get this level of thorough care. It is the only way to truly assess my situation. I encourage each of you to seek out the best medical care with the most thorough medical procedures regardless of the health situation you may be facing. The NOT knowing does not help anyone, especially not you. That is why I have become a "rip the band-aid off quickly" type of girl. That is the only way to stay smart and condition myself mentally.
Another thing of note, they don't want you to wear any metal into the scans. I usually have a scan outfit for the winter that includes a sports bra, a shirt and sweats. No metal! I don't have any shorts that will work today...so I have a metal zipper. They will put a blanket over me and make me pull my shorts down to my knees. Pretty silly, but necessary...I think. I guess any metal could mess up the results. The whole process is a bit bizarre. There is nothing like walking into a door with the nuclear medicine/radioactive signal....knowing that you are welcome, yet the scan technicians and everyone else will stay behind a protective barrier through my scans. (The radioactivity is minimal and will not cause me long-term damage. Of course, I have already checked that out!:)
At the same time I am sitting still for the PET scan, they also give me a chalk-like drink called a barium drink. I am not sure what this is really about, but it helps them with the CT scan. I suck it down as quickly as possible. The old hospital I went to used to put soda in the mix and it totally helped me drink it. But, now I am back at my original health center and they don't put soda in there...so I just suck it down as best as i can and get it over with. Since I haven't had any food or drink all day, I will actually welcome this process because it will make me think of food. It will be the first liquids in me since this morning.
The CT scan will tell the doctors the size and dimension of any remaining cancer in my body.
All of these things may sound bizarre, but the truth is that nothing is worse than an MRI. In the PET/CT, I go through an open donut-shaped machine. With the MRI, you are fully submerged into the machine and then it starts making a lot of metal noises like artillery is being shot at you. It is so bizarre so I will take these scans over the MRI any day. The MRI is not a part of my standard medical scans, which I am thankful for.
Okay, gotta get my kids to my sisters so I can go get scanned, then EAT something!
Blessings,
Lolo
I did want to explain what type of information these scans provide. The PET scan, positron emission tomography, is so amazing. What they do is make me fast for four hours before the scan...so I am fasting now. When I get there, the nuclear medicine specialists will inject me with a glucose solution. Then they will make me sit still and not move for a while. The solution will migrate to various parts of the body, naturally. These are the brain, the pelvis and the throat. These areas are automatically excluded from any results of the scan. The solution will also migrate to cancer because cancer cells take up the glucose solution. Cancer loves glucose. The reason I don't move is because if I did, the solution would get confused and move to the muscles I am using. It would muddy all results and we would have to start all over.
With the PET scan, the cancerous cells will LIGHT UP on the scan. Not only will they light up, but they may even show varying degrees of color, which would indicate the level and degree in which my body is taking up this solution. The higher the solution uptake or the more spots that light up, the more concern there is. Now, they have been doing these scans on me for a while and they have all the old scan information to compare to the scans I get today. Because we have been doing such harsh chemo, most likely we will see a reduction in tumor size and/or amount. Fingers crossed, but I am pretty confident it will happen!
A couple of things to keep in mind, I actually chose my medical team based on the inclusion of these types of procedures. So, although they make me nervous, this was my actual decision to get this level of thorough care. It is the only way to truly assess my situation. I encourage each of you to seek out the best medical care with the most thorough medical procedures regardless of the health situation you may be facing. The NOT knowing does not help anyone, especially not you. That is why I have become a "rip the band-aid off quickly" type of girl. That is the only way to stay smart and condition myself mentally.
Another thing of note, they don't want you to wear any metal into the scans. I usually have a scan outfit for the winter that includes a sports bra, a shirt and sweats. No metal! I don't have any shorts that will work today...so I have a metal zipper. They will put a blanket over me and make me pull my shorts down to my knees. Pretty silly, but necessary...I think. I guess any metal could mess up the results. The whole process is a bit bizarre. There is nothing like walking into a door with the nuclear medicine/radioactive signal....knowing that you are welcome, yet the scan technicians and everyone else will stay behind a protective barrier through my scans. (The radioactivity is minimal and will not cause me long-term damage. Of course, I have already checked that out!:)
At the same time I am sitting still for the PET scan, they also give me a chalk-like drink called a barium drink. I am not sure what this is really about, but it helps them with the CT scan. I suck it down as quickly as possible. The old hospital I went to used to put soda in the mix and it totally helped me drink it. But, now I am back at my original health center and they don't put soda in there...so I just suck it down as best as i can and get it over with. Since I haven't had any food or drink all day, I will actually welcome this process because it will make me think of food. It will be the first liquids in me since this morning.
The CT scan will tell the doctors the size and dimension of any remaining cancer in my body.
All of these things may sound bizarre, but the truth is that nothing is worse than an MRI. In the PET/CT, I go through an open donut-shaped machine. With the MRI, you are fully submerged into the machine and then it starts making a lot of metal noises like artillery is being shot at you. It is so bizarre so I will take these scans over the MRI any day. The MRI is not a part of my standard medical scans, which I am thankful for.
Okay, gotta get my kids to my sisters so I can go get scanned, then EAT something!
Blessings,
Lolo
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sloppy post...
I think the post below is poorly written....but I couldn't edit it anymore. I couldn't look at it anymore.:) I hope you can overlook any grammar issues or bad sentences.
Lolo
Lolo
Believe in yourself.
Michael got back in town yesterday and it was SO nice to have him here. I forget sometimes how important his strength is for me. He was gone during my last treatment, which should not have been that big of a deal, but it was to me. Anytime, he is not there, I feel it. He is such a great listener, he is always able to ask the right questions when it comes to representing me. I know I am a tenacious patient, but he is a tenacious caregiver.
I never fault him for needing to work or be at Missouri Boy's State because those are important things for him and our family. However, I realized how much I missed him when we went out on a date and I cried for the majority of the dinner. I think the weight of my scans coming up and the burden of continuous treatment has gotten to me. I am not made of steel, though I would like to MAKE all of you think that. The truth is my cancer has gotten in the way of life for us. It has interrupted things, once again.
But, chemo became a necessary evil and it will be necessary for a while longer. It is just part of my healing. It is more than a bummer because I was just beginning to remember that I am an athlete with cycling as my sport. I did not join the riding groups I wanted to be a part of this summer and most recently, I have become sidelined from all sports for a while. Anything but light bike rides or light walks just wouldn't be prudent at this point. Honestly, I should use any strength to do things around the house and be there for my family.
Chemo has not been easy, but it is doable. I have lost a lot of weight, which might seem ideal to some...but the body loses muscle first, fat second. I feel like a mushy, skinny mess. I realize that I might not look as bad as I feel, yet all of these things have affected my confidence. The chemo has caused sores in my mouth, sores on my scalp, itching and pain on my head, fevers, hair loss and fatigue...among other things that I can't think of because of the chemo. It also affects the brain, in terms of things you can remember. This condition is called chemo-brain.
I am venting a little, but I just want to be a little raw in this post and tell what it is really like to be on chemo. I also want all of you to know that regardless of how much I don't feel like myself, the essence of me is still here. The kindness of all of you still shines through to my world. And, I know that I am healing. I know that this chemo, like the other meds I have taken before, has pushed me to the brink of what I think I can do...yet I don't really know my limits. I have always been able to handle any of these things that have come my way. I am still here. I am still alive. I was able to go wal-mart today and I was able to do things with Morgan and go to Jack's t-ball game. My kids have a happy life with their mom in it. Even though the medicines are melting away the perception of who I thought I was, I am grateful for them because I am alive.
I still believe in me. I still have faith that I will be okay. I still visualize myself as a 90-year-old granny teaching my grandkids how to ride a bike...with many books having already been published. As Michael always reminds me, I am already okay right here and now. I don't need anyone to tell me that I am healing. I am okay. I am already exactly who I need to be...in exactly the right moment in time. I may need to take up more yoga as it is a relaxing sport that also helps to strengthen. I also may add a painting class in the mix so that I can paint whatever I want in relation to my healing...and see my painting with my own blue eyes that are still the same
Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get back on the bike. I can't wait to resume life as normal, but I probably need to learn to relax a little a take advantage of this season of rest. There are always other meds on the horizon and I know I will be on those newer drugs at some point. I also know it will be a new normal. My eyes will be more open to what I can do and my empathy will be unimaginable, I hope! My end goals are always to stabilize my cancer and help others through my whole experience. Helping others allows me to find purpose in my disease, but I do still believe that I will have healing. I hope that each of you believe in your ability to be well!
Thanks to all of you for your positive thoughts and prayers! They mean the world to me!
Blessings,
Lolo
I never fault him for needing to work or be at Missouri Boy's State because those are important things for him and our family. However, I realized how much I missed him when we went out on a date and I cried for the majority of the dinner. I think the weight of my scans coming up and the burden of continuous treatment has gotten to me. I am not made of steel, though I would like to MAKE all of you think that. The truth is my cancer has gotten in the way of life for us. It has interrupted things, once again.
But, chemo became a necessary evil and it will be necessary for a while longer. It is just part of my healing. It is more than a bummer because I was just beginning to remember that I am an athlete with cycling as my sport. I did not join the riding groups I wanted to be a part of this summer and most recently, I have become sidelined from all sports for a while. Anything but light bike rides or light walks just wouldn't be prudent at this point. Honestly, I should use any strength to do things around the house and be there for my family.
Chemo has not been easy, but it is doable. I have lost a lot of weight, which might seem ideal to some...but the body loses muscle first, fat second. I feel like a mushy, skinny mess. I realize that I might not look as bad as I feel, yet all of these things have affected my confidence. The chemo has caused sores in my mouth, sores on my scalp, itching and pain on my head, fevers, hair loss and fatigue...among other things that I can't think of because of the chemo. It also affects the brain, in terms of things you can remember. This condition is called chemo-brain.
I am venting a little, but I just want to be a little raw in this post and tell what it is really like to be on chemo. I also want all of you to know that regardless of how much I don't feel like myself, the essence of me is still here. The kindness of all of you still shines through to my world. And, I know that I am healing. I know that this chemo, like the other meds I have taken before, has pushed me to the brink of what I think I can do...yet I don't really know my limits. I have always been able to handle any of these things that have come my way. I am still here. I am still alive. I was able to go wal-mart today and I was able to do things with Morgan and go to Jack's t-ball game. My kids have a happy life with their mom in it. Even though the medicines are melting away the perception of who I thought I was, I am grateful for them because I am alive.
I still believe in me. I still have faith that I will be okay. I still visualize myself as a 90-year-old granny teaching my grandkids how to ride a bike...with many books having already been published. As Michael always reminds me, I am already okay right here and now. I don't need anyone to tell me that I am healing. I am okay. I am already exactly who I need to be...in exactly the right moment in time. I may need to take up more yoga as it is a relaxing sport that also helps to strengthen. I also may add a painting class in the mix so that I can paint whatever I want in relation to my healing...and see my painting with my own blue eyes that are still the same
Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get back on the bike. I can't wait to resume life as normal, but I probably need to learn to relax a little a take advantage of this season of rest. There are always other meds on the horizon and I know I will be on those newer drugs at some point. I also know it will be a new normal. My eyes will be more open to what I can do and my empathy will be unimaginable, I hope! My end goals are always to stabilize my cancer and help others through my whole experience. Helping others allows me to find purpose in my disease, but I do still believe that I will have healing. I hope that each of you believe in your ability to be well!
Thanks to all of you for your positive thoughts and prayers! They mean the world to me!
Blessings,
Lolo
Friday, June 20, 2008
Didn't make the cut...
When I was in elementary school and junior high, I just often copied off my big sister in terms of events and sports she would try out for. I did this with baseball, school choir, track, basketball, tennis, etc. I would often look at her experiences because she was just one year ahead of me and know what type of sports or things I would be doing the following year. I was playing follow the leader and my sister was the leader.
For the most part, this habit was formed out of convenience. My parents had one car most of the time we were growing up so it wasn't like they could take me to art classes and Heather to sports things. There was usually only one option and I was fine with it. I learned a lot about myself by playing team sports and I might have been too shy to play them had Heather not paved the way for me.
Heather and I were both successful in sports. We did very well in tennis...both in high school and in college. But, the first REAL sport we tried out for was the volleyball team in 8th grade. In the year that Heather tried out, she made the first cut for the team, but got cut on the final week. Heather was and still is a great athlete. She even plays league volleyball now sometimes with her high school friends and she is good. But, for some reason, she didn't make the final cut. I assume this was because there just wasn't enough time for the coach to assess all the kids in a slim two-week period. Regardless, Heather did not go out for volleyball the next year. She went out for tennis and took to the sport, beautifully.
So now that you know Heather's volleyball story, you should probably be able to guess mine. I did all the things she did. I made the first cut for volleyball and got cut the second week. I went out for tennis the next year and played varsity as a freshman. Looking back, it is clear to me that Heather and I were both meant to play tennis. We played well in the sport with little formal training and were well-known with the coaches in our conferences and got lots of awards. Tennis even paid for part of my college tuition.
However, we have a friend who is now the coach of the volleyball teams in our home town. She gave us both a Excelsior Springs Volleyball shirt last weekend because she had some extra ones...and I wore that shirt around Overland Park with pride one day this week. I am a t-shirt girl, at heart, so the t-shirt brought a lot of things to mind when I wore it. But, the main thing I remember was that at the time I "didn't make the cut" for the volleyball team, I was devastated. I felt rejected. Tennis wasn't available to me for another year and some of my friends were on the volleyball team. I was happy for them, but was sad for myself.
I was a girl without a sport, which was no-man's land as far as I was concerned. I did play basketball and do track in 8th grade, but they weren't as interesting to me as volleyball. I was just following the leader, as usual. Now throughout high school, I found tennis and I also figured out that I didn't have to play all the sports Heather did. So I cut basketball and track from my calendar and took on other academic and social activities (e.g. student council, school newspaper, etc). I found that I grew more by making time for the things I wanted to do, not just following the path of my cool big sis.
But, I must admit that it took me wearing the shirt the other day to really think about the fact that it wasn't rejection I was facing when I was cut from the team. It was just a door that was closed. I needed to wait for that door to tennis to open in a year. I am going to try to remember this lesson when it comes to my cancer experience. I know I am on the right path and I believe in all of our health decisions. It seems that there have been some doors closed to me, but maybe the fact is that some other better options are going to open up soon. Or maybe this is just a part of the journey...that the waiting period for true healing is where the learning takes place. Maybe I just need to learn a little more.
Like I said, I am tenacious about research and my medical care. I can tolerate both chemotherapy and surgery pretty well. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I was made for it...clearly, I have been toughened up for this journey. I am not sure why, but I seem to have the constitution for it. Regardless, I know I will survive and that healing is taking place every single day in my little body. I don't need the big results to know that things are working.
And when a door closes, I will try to remember my volleyball journey that seemed so devastating at the time, but was right on the money in terms of my athletic path at Excelsior Springs High! And for you girls who read the blog and were on the volleyball team that year, please know I harbor no jealousy towards you. I was always so psyched to see you all play and see how you had grown from novice players to athletes. It was pretty cool.
I hope each and every one of you are finding your niche in life, not just the niche that you think you are supposed to do...but where your passion and skills come together and you feel that you are in your ZONE because that is MAGIC! I think I have found this with being a mommy, writing and cycling. I am blessed.
Blessings,
Lolo
For the most part, this habit was formed out of convenience. My parents had one car most of the time we were growing up so it wasn't like they could take me to art classes and Heather to sports things. There was usually only one option and I was fine with it. I learned a lot about myself by playing team sports and I might have been too shy to play them had Heather not paved the way for me.
Heather and I were both successful in sports. We did very well in tennis...both in high school and in college. But, the first REAL sport we tried out for was the volleyball team in 8th grade. In the year that Heather tried out, she made the first cut for the team, but got cut on the final week. Heather was and still is a great athlete. She even plays league volleyball now sometimes with her high school friends and she is good. But, for some reason, she didn't make the final cut. I assume this was because there just wasn't enough time for the coach to assess all the kids in a slim two-week period. Regardless, Heather did not go out for volleyball the next year. She went out for tennis and took to the sport, beautifully.
So now that you know Heather's volleyball story, you should probably be able to guess mine. I did all the things she did. I made the first cut for volleyball and got cut the second week. I went out for tennis the next year and played varsity as a freshman. Looking back, it is clear to me that Heather and I were both meant to play tennis. We played well in the sport with little formal training and were well-known with the coaches in our conferences and got lots of awards. Tennis even paid for part of my college tuition.
However, we have a friend who is now the coach of the volleyball teams in our home town. She gave us both a Excelsior Springs Volleyball shirt last weekend because she had some extra ones...and I wore that shirt around Overland Park with pride one day this week. I am a t-shirt girl, at heart, so the t-shirt brought a lot of things to mind when I wore it. But, the main thing I remember was that at the time I "didn't make the cut" for the volleyball team, I was devastated. I felt rejected. Tennis wasn't available to me for another year and some of my friends were on the volleyball team. I was happy for them, but was sad for myself.
I was a girl without a sport, which was no-man's land as far as I was concerned. I did play basketball and do track in 8th grade, but they weren't as interesting to me as volleyball. I was just following the leader, as usual. Now throughout high school, I found tennis and I also figured out that I didn't have to play all the sports Heather did. So I cut basketball and track from my calendar and took on other academic and social activities (e.g. student council, school newspaper, etc). I found that I grew more by making time for the things I wanted to do, not just following the path of my cool big sis.
But, I must admit that it took me wearing the shirt the other day to really think about the fact that it wasn't rejection I was facing when I was cut from the team. It was just a door that was closed. I needed to wait for that door to tennis to open in a year. I am going to try to remember this lesson when it comes to my cancer experience. I know I am on the right path and I believe in all of our health decisions. It seems that there have been some doors closed to me, but maybe the fact is that some other better options are going to open up soon. Or maybe this is just a part of the journey...that the waiting period for true healing is where the learning takes place. Maybe I just need to learn a little more.
Like I said, I am tenacious about research and my medical care. I can tolerate both chemotherapy and surgery pretty well. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I was made for it...clearly, I have been toughened up for this journey. I am not sure why, but I seem to have the constitution for it. Regardless, I know I will survive and that healing is taking place every single day in my little body. I don't need the big results to know that things are working.
And when a door closes, I will try to remember my volleyball journey that seemed so devastating at the time, but was right on the money in terms of my athletic path at Excelsior Springs High! And for you girls who read the blog and were on the volleyball team that year, please know I harbor no jealousy towards you. I was always so psyched to see you all play and see how you had grown from novice players to athletes. It was pretty cool.
I hope each and every one of you are finding your niche in life, not just the niche that you think you are supposed to do...but where your passion and skills come together and you feel that you are in your ZONE because that is MAGIC! I think I have found this with being a mommy, writing and cycling. I am blessed.
Blessings,
Lolo
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Had another chemo session today.
My mom went with me because Micael is out of town. I seem to be running a low grade fever right now, which is more of annoyance than anything else. I was having some allergic reactions to meds last week. I got some hives overnight and had difficulty sleeping because my scalp hurt due to all the activity on my scalp. My poor follicles don't know whether to grow hair or produce a rash. However, all of these things are usually signs that the meds are doing their work. So I got an antibiotic for my skin issues and will see if it helps me tolerate the meds better.
I was able to get back into the mode of life last week and Jack and I went swimming with my sister and her boys. Michael and Morgan are out of town this week at Michael's annual service project: Missouri Boy's State. This program means a lot to him, but we miss him desperately when he is gone. Morgan is now able to go hang out with some of the other leader's kids so she has had a blast running around Warrensburg, Missouri all week. I think I am getting a sneak peak to what college life will be like for me when Morgan is gone. There has been a lot of busyness for her and a lot of learning and a lot of making new friends. She is coming out of her shy shell, which is wonderful to see your child bloom.
We will have full body scans on Monday. Though we all think the medicines are working, there really is no way of knowing until they do Positron Emission Tomography(PET) and CT scans. These scans, as you can probably imagine, make me a bit of a nervous wreck. Knowing this detailed information has saved my life over and over, but it usually has provided us with new information regarding growth of my cancer. I believe this time will be a turn-around and that we will see progress. Yet, I will just try to go to the scans and have them done, then forget about them.
I have the doctors call Michael with the results because I want to just keep moving on. Psychologically, it helps me to hear the information from Michael because even though I love my doctors...I do feel rejected by the medical community, at times. It is not the doctors who make me feel this way, it is the fact that I have gotten bad results on these scans more than I have gotten good news. It is like getting a bad grade on a standardized exam over and over. You don't shoot the messenger, but it still makes you feel less of an individual since you can't quite make the grade.
This is how these scans have made me feel. However, I am really working on myself psychologically, spiritually and mentally to guard my heart and mind only for positivity. I have always believed my story is about healing. So, I try not to worry about the baby steps along the way, but just see myself at the finish line...winning the victory against cancer.
I will, of course, keep you posted about my experiences with the scans. Most likely, we will continue on chemo even if the results are good. The thinking is probably why mess with a good thing...who knows? The nice thing is in this situation, they would cut out one of my chemos altogether. That would increase my quality of life and help me get back to the bike. Being on the bike helps my sanity and reminds me of who I am...so more than anything else, I need and want to get back on the bike soon. I will have to be patient, but progress will happen both in my fight against cancer and to get back on the bike.
Blessings,
Lolo
I was able to get back into the mode of life last week and Jack and I went swimming with my sister and her boys. Michael and Morgan are out of town this week at Michael's annual service project: Missouri Boy's State. This program means a lot to him, but we miss him desperately when he is gone. Morgan is now able to go hang out with some of the other leader's kids so she has had a blast running around Warrensburg, Missouri all week. I think I am getting a sneak peak to what college life will be like for me when Morgan is gone. There has been a lot of busyness for her and a lot of learning and a lot of making new friends. She is coming out of her shy shell, which is wonderful to see your child bloom.
We will have full body scans on Monday. Though we all think the medicines are working, there really is no way of knowing until they do Positron Emission Tomography(PET) and CT scans. These scans, as you can probably imagine, make me a bit of a nervous wreck. Knowing this detailed information has saved my life over and over, but it usually has provided us with new information regarding growth of my cancer. I believe this time will be a turn-around and that we will see progress. Yet, I will just try to go to the scans and have them done, then forget about them.
I have the doctors call Michael with the results because I want to just keep moving on. Psychologically, it helps me to hear the information from Michael because even though I love my doctors...I do feel rejected by the medical community, at times. It is not the doctors who make me feel this way, it is the fact that I have gotten bad results on these scans more than I have gotten good news. It is like getting a bad grade on a standardized exam over and over. You don't shoot the messenger, but it still makes you feel less of an individual since you can't quite make the grade.
This is how these scans have made me feel. However, I am really working on myself psychologically, spiritually and mentally to guard my heart and mind only for positivity. I have always believed my story is about healing. So, I try not to worry about the baby steps along the way, but just see myself at the finish line...winning the victory against cancer.
I will, of course, keep you posted about my experiences with the scans. Most likely, we will continue on chemo even if the results are good. The thinking is probably why mess with a good thing...who knows? The nice thing is in this situation, they would cut out one of my chemos altogether. That would increase my quality of life and help me get back to the bike. Being on the bike helps my sanity and reminds me of who I am...so more than anything else, I need and want to get back on the bike soon. I will have to be patient, but progress will happen both in my fight against cancer and to get back on the bike.
Blessings,
Lolo
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The YOU doctors...
One more thing in relation to books and web sites. The YOU doctors are the ones who wrote "YOU, the owner's manual", "YOU, the smart patient", " YOU on a DIET", etc. They are Drs. Oz and Roizon. They are associated with realage.com, which is a great web site and Dr Oz is on Oprah all of the time. Whether you like Oprah or not, she is pretty smart about the people she puts on her show on a consistent basis. I think the docs are plainspoken. I have the owner's manual and I loved it. I also have the smart patient book, it was empowering to read that most doctors really want informed patients. They make reading about your health and body extremely interesting. Just another book to consider.
Blessings,
Lolo
Blessings,
Lolo
Added some links to the right.
I added some links to some interesting web sites that talk about diet and nutrition. One thing I wanted to mention was that "Eating Right 4 Your Blood Type" is a great book that helped me assimilate many theories of nutritional health. There are many theories to you could ascribe to and when I started this journey, it was overwhelming. There are the people who think you should ONLY eat vegetarian, or increase SOY or decrease SOY or take out all artificial sweeteners or reduce all processed foods.
Eating Right 4 Your Blood type helped explain a lot of things for me. It helped me understand why my husband, who is a Type O, prefers eating meat at all meals. While I am a Type A and prefer mostly a vegetarian way of life, yet I can and do eat lean meats. The book helps explain why some "diets" are more successful for some people while they don't work for others at all. It also outlines many other preferences that would work best for every blood type, including supplements, exercise. personality traits.
I found that this book was extremely enlightening and it explained traits about Michael and me perfectly. I used this book to help me understand that regardless how much I would want to push vegetarian living in our household, that it might not be the most reasonable thing to do for Michael or Jack or Mo. It might not be the best thing for their bodies. I am still working to get the kid's blood types, but I will. This book helped me to assimilate all the other theories and work towards balanced living. Meaning, I probably can't cut all meats out of our diet, nor should I...even though many books recommend it.
My two theories that I think can prevent most long-term illnesses are alkalinizing and to oxygenating the body at the cellular level. I take some supplements to help with this when I am not doing a strong chemo. I don't like anything to interfere with my meds while taking them so I cut the supplements out for now. For example, I don't want to do a liver detox program if the meds I am taking are toxic. I want them to do their magic, then I will do a detox and take on my supplements again.
I hope this helps. In the least, I think these web sites can awaken you to some different options..regardless of if you decide to purchase the books or the detox programs. (Just so you know, I don't have any connection with these sites. I have independently reviewed the information and I form my own opinions. I encourage you to do the same!)
Blessings,
Lolo
Eating Right 4 Your Blood type helped explain a lot of things for me. It helped me understand why my husband, who is a Type O, prefers eating meat at all meals. While I am a Type A and prefer mostly a vegetarian way of life, yet I can and do eat lean meats. The book helps explain why some "diets" are more successful for some people while they don't work for others at all. It also outlines many other preferences that would work best for every blood type, including supplements, exercise. personality traits.
I found that this book was extremely enlightening and it explained traits about Michael and me perfectly. I used this book to help me understand that regardless how much I would want to push vegetarian living in our household, that it might not be the most reasonable thing to do for Michael or Jack or Mo. It might not be the best thing for their bodies. I am still working to get the kid's blood types, but I will. This book helped me to assimilate all the other theories and work towards balanced living. Meaning, I probably can't cut all meats out of our diet, nor should I...even though many books recommend it.
My two theories that I think can prevent most long-term illnesses are alkalinizing and to oxygenating the body at the cellular level. I take some supplements to help with this when I am not doing a strong chemo. I don't like anything to interfere with my meds while taking them so I cut the supplements out for now. For example, I don't want to do a liver detox program if the meds I am taking are toxic. I want them to do their magic, then I will do a detox and take on my supplements again.
I hope this helps. In the least, I think these web sites can awaken you to some different options..regardless of if you decide to purchase the books or the detox programs. (Just so you know, I don't have any connection with these sites. I have independently reviewed the information and I form my own opinions. I encourage you to do the same!)
Blessings,
Lolo
Sunday, June 15, 2008
If you see this newscaster...
Ok, so I am not really a newscaster, but I think all wigs pretty much look like newscaster hair. Every hair is in place, it is just kind of funny. I really hate the hair loss process of the chemotherapy, however, once it is all gone it is a lot easier to accept. Right now, I am opting for a lot of do-rags and hats, just because they are not as hot as a wig and my scalp is still pretty sore. But honestly, wigs aren't so bad. This one was pretty reasonably priced and my hair stylist cut it for me so it looks more like my normal hair. I think it probably does look better than my real hair and it certainly is easier to maintain. You just throw it on and GO!
However, part of me feels fake wearing a wig. I want to tell people I see that it is fake so they don't think I am trying to cover anything up. It is ridiculous of me to worry about it as much as I do...so I am trying not to. I am working on throwing vanity aside for my health. I have done it before so I will do it again. I am also working on NOT trying to make people feel comfortable with my cancer. Not everyone is comfortable with talking about things directly and that is okay. That is why the blog is a good thing for me because I can educate those that want to learn from my experience. I can also update people and let them know I am okay. This journey is so interesting, I think I learn so much from everyone else.
My own hair is starting to grow back in already. My scalp actually hurt pretty bad this weekend because one of my meds causes a rash on the scalp while the other meds (chemo) have made the hair fall out. I think my poor follicles are really confused, but it does seem that the hair-growing process is winning out over anything else. I am sure I will have some good hair growth to show in a couple of weeks or so, but for now...I will just show you some of my looks every once in a while. I do feel silly putting pictures of myself up here, but I think it is important so that you all can see that I look fine and that I am doing well. The point is to show what it is like to live with cancer. Last week was a doozy for me, but for the most part, the days are pretty good and the side effects are tolerable. And, I am loved and getting healthier every day...it seems that my life is pretty good. I have much to be thankful for.
Alright, more later. I hope all of you had an exceptional Father's Day!
Blessings,
Lolo
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Avoid artificial sweeteners and enriched flour, etc.
Sarah, one of my old classmates who was also born on the VERY SAME DAY as me, asked about artificial sweeteners and about organic foods. I have done tons of research on these topics and I can tell you some good resources to get you started on your own research. However, I will tell you that the best thing you can do is identify some good principals that you can stick to so you won't feel defeated or overwhelmed. (I know I am wordy so if you can't read the whole post, then grab onto my rules of thumb in BOLD below.)
Many of the resources I will give you are very hard line when it comes to sweeteners, organic foods and everything else. They believe you should only be shopping at Whole Foods, Wild Oats, Trader Joe's or any other organic food store. I think this is nice, in principal, but very hard to adopt on a daily basis...especially if you have small children.
First, I will answer Sarah's questions. I have read a lot about aspartame(aka Nutra Sweet) and Splenda. I even took a sample of my hair about three weeks ago and sent it in for testing to see what types of chemical residue is lingering in my body...results should be coming in the mail soon. What I have found out is this...if you can avoid these artificial sweeteners, then DO IT. It is hard for some of us to give up our diet soda (me included), but the truth is that there is not a lot of healthy things going on in a "low fat" or "reduced fat" world. Most likely, Splenda or Aspartame are being used to reduce the calories, yet these foods also can make your body more acidic and make you crave more acidic foods and promote inflammation and create problems.
My resource that I use on Aspartame and Splenda is hard line on all these issues, but she has a right to be. She had a brain tumor that she healed by detoxing her body from Aspartame. Bizarre, but true. She also has a PhD in Nutrition and is a chemical expert. Her name is Janet Starr Hull and I will attach her web site. I am using myself as a guinea pig with her chemical testings so that I can share it with you all. Plus, I am testing her credibility a little...I am always a skeptic.
Also, if you can cut or reduce "Enriched Flour" from your world, you will be doing yourself a favor. You might get discouraged if you start reading labels because you may find Aspartame, Splenda or Enriched Flour in the first five ingredients. However, I have found that the key to cutting these things out of my world is finding some good replacements. This is why most people recommend organic food stores because they put so much thought into each product on the shelf. Unfortunately, the truth is that there is some merit to the Food Pyramid and good old fashioned thoughtful food preparation is very important.
It is hard to keep it all together and go to the organic food store and feed your kids in a healthy fashion, but there are healthy substitutes. And, there are many organic products at a regular food store. My rules of thumb are to try to avoid artificial sweetener and enriched flour, buy organic veggies, buy cage-free or organic eggs, buy non-hormone fed meats and reduce processed foods. However, if my kids want dinosaur chicken nuggets, I give them to them. It has been very hard for me to be thoughtful and stick to this while on chemo because my energy has been low and I haven't been interested in food at all.
However, I try to apply these principals whenever I can and throw myself some grace/forgiveness when I can't. I need to get back to my kiddos, but I will attach some links to the web site later tonight and I will write more about ways to transition to a healthy diet without get grumpy people in your family...including yourself!
Blessings,
Lolo
Many of the resources I will give you are very hard line when it comes to sweeteners, organic foods and everything else. They believe you should only be shopping at Whole Foods, Wild Oats, Trader Joe's or any other organic food store. I think this is nice, in principal, but very hard to adopt on a daily basis...especially if you have small children.
First, I will answer Sarah's questions. I have read a lot about aspartame(aka Nutra Sweet) and Splenda. I even took a sample of my hair about three weeks ago and sent it in for testing to see what types of chemical residue is lingering in my body...results should be coming in the mail soon. What I have found out is this...if you can avoid these artificial sweeteners, then DO IT. It is hard for some of us to give up our diet soda (me included), but the truth is that there is not a lot of healthy things going on in a "low fat" or "reduced fat" world. Most likely, Splenda or Aspartame are being used to reduce the calories, yet these foods also can make your body more acidic and make you crave more acidic foods and promote inflammation and create problems.
My resource that I use on Aspartame and Splenda is hard line on all these issues, but she has a right to be. She had a brain tumor that she healed by detoxing her body from Aspartame. Bizarre, but true. She also has a PhD in Nutrition and is a chemical expert. Her name is Janet Starr Hull and I will attach her web site. I am using myself as a guinea pig with her chemical testings so that I can share it with you all. Plus, I am testing her credibility a little...I am always a skeptic.
Also, if you can cut or reduce "Enriched Flour" from your world, you will be doing yourself a favor. You might get discouraged if you start reading labels because you may find Aspartame, Splenda or Enriched Flour in the first five ingredients. However, I have found that the key to cutting these things out of my world is finding some good replacements. This is why most people recommend organic food stores because they put so much thought into each product on the shelf. Unfortunately, the truth is that there is some merit to the Food Pyramid and good old fashioned thoughtful food preparation is very important.
It is hard to keep it all together and go to the organic food store and feed your kids in a healthy fashion, but there are healthy substitutes. And, there are many organic products at a regular food store. My rules of thumb are to try to avoid artificial sweetener and enriched flour, buy organic veggies, buy cage-free or organic eggs, buy non-hormone fed meats and reduce processed foods. However, if my kids want dinosaur chicken nuggets, I give them to them. It has been very hard for me to be thoughtful and stick to this while on chemo because my energy has been low and I haven't been interested in food at all.
However, I try to apply these principals whenever I can and throw myself some grace/forgiveness when I can't. I need to get back to my kiddos, but I will attach some links to the web site later tonight and I will write more about ways to transition to a healthy diet without get grumpy people in your family...including yourself!
Blessings,
Lolo
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Eleanor Roosevelt said...
I believe anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of success behind him.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Hiya!
So, here is a picture of Jacky...growing up and taking Tae Kwon Do. Morgan's uniform came in late so we will have some pix of her on the blog soon. Jack has really taken to Tae Kwon Do. His older cousin, Thatcher, also takes classes with him and Thatch takes the classes seriously. Jack is still a squirrelly little four year old, but he is coming along.
As for me and my sports, I have elected to put myself on the bench this week. This is because I got a fever on Sunday and have had a fever on and off all week. It doesn't get any higher than 100.2 so it is not an infection. It may just be related to me overextending myself. I did walk 12 miles in training last thursday, then I had chemo Friday, then I rode my bike...or barely rode it on Saturday. I tried to ride, but my lack of energy made it pretty difficult.
I knew on Friday that my hemoglobin was low. I am not sure of all of the ramifications of this, but I know my energy is low when this happens. I am not used to low energy. I am used to dealing with high energy, but my body is absolutely out of wack from the medicines so I shouldn't expect anything to be normal. There is no normal in Chemo-world.
It is hard for me to take a break from the world that I am really beginning to love. I had to cancel on my teaching stint for Vacation Bible Camp this week, which was a bummer but my co-teachers were totally understanding. I look at my bike, but that is all I can do. I told my sister that I wouldn't do any training for the 3 day walk until next week when i feel better.
I assume if i give myself a break from working out and if I get off the chemo soon, that my body will bounce back. It is pretty resilient in this way. I keep forgetting that I have toxic meds running through my body. I keep forgetting that we are six weeks into this regimen so the fatigue has built up. But, I know it is working and I think we will be onto new meds over the next three weeks and life will get back to a new normal.
I can relate my cancer experience to that of when I have had my babies. Like with babies, each new medical treatment or surgery helps me get more comfortable with my body and requires me to become acclimated to a new ME...an awakened me. It is like I know what works and I know what doesn't. I should be pinching myself on most days because I probably wouldn't be alive without some of the meds I am on...THAT is how good they are. But, I just keep pushing forward because the meds keep getting better and keep saving lives of girls like me.
When I got diagnosed, I promised myself I would do everything possible so I wouldn't feel as though this disease was chasing me down. I didn't know I was stage IV when I made this decision, I thought I was stage I or stage II. However, my resolve was already set so I take the medicines with no regrets and I don't look back. I only look at today because I have some pretty amazing little people in my life who are conquering their own demons...so I will do the same.
Blessings,
Lolo
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I can't believe I am going to do this...
I said earlier that I wouldn't post pictures of me bald, but after looking through all the pictures of the kids and me and our shaving party...it just seems natural to show the one of me along with them. I am the finished product, so to speak. Jack wasn't quite sure if he should put the hair on his own head or hold it out to show Dad. Eventually, he scrapped the hair for a miniature snowman that was standing around. Doing this blog is a growth process for me. I create this space filled with words from my experience so people won't fear cancer if it happens to them. Or if you all see someone that is bald when you are out that you might give them a smile or a kind look. Many of us don't realize that we probably view differences in an awkward fashion, or at least this is how I feel. Because of my cancer, I now try to say hi or talk to people who are bald or look different...just treat them like you and me.
I know, as a survivor, people treat me in all sorts of ways. Sometimes, people even disappear from my life. I am sure this is more out of people not knowing what to say or how to act. The truth is there is no gracious way to bridge the gap between someone going through an illness and the regular world. However, if you take a step toward them in any direction, I bet you will find they will welcome the company.
Please know that for the most part, people have been so gracious and kind to me. Unfortunately, cancer is affecting so many lives and there are many of you who have already had loved ones and family members who have gone through this fight. i just don't want anyone to be afraid if they have the cancer fight to take on. So, I am posting my bald head and as the hair grows back in...I will post that as well.
To describe the actual process, I didn't really lose all of my hair. There was some hair left, but it wasn't really filling up my scalp anymore. I went through a two-week shedding process where I would comb the hair out each morning and evening. When we shaved it, i was left with a prickly scalp. It hurts less than before because the weight is gone, but at times, it is a bit awkward.
Though I have a cute wig, since it is the summer and I am casual, I really prefer wearing do rags and hats. They are more comfortable, if you ask me. The scalp is funny without hair. I notice that my head seems a lot smaller in the do rag now and I keep having to retie it because there is little hair to keep it in place. An interesting part of this journey.
Depending on how our plan for treatment changes over the next couple of weeks, my hair could start to grow back immediately. It would take about a month for it to be visible on my scalp. I will keep you all posted regarding our treatment plan once I know more in a couple of weeks.
Blessings,
Lolo
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Sixteen Candles...
So, for those of us who grew up in the 80's, we all know the movie "Sixteen Candles" with Molly Ringwald. This is the movie where her parents forget her sixteenth birthday because her big sis Ginnie is getting married the same weekend as her birthday. Though there are many hilarious scenes in the movie, one that I have always found funny was with Caroline, the beatiful girlfriend of Molly Ringwald's love interest, and her girlfriends.
Caroline was very drunk and had just proven herself as a careless and self-absorbed girl who was only interested in status. Her boyfriend, Jake, was forced to throw a party for friends because Caroline asked everyone over. During this process, Jake gets sick of her and slams the door on her. Part of her beautiful blonde hair gets stuck in the door.
Jake would not open the door so her drunk friends (including Jamie Gertz) decide to get some scissors and cut her hair from the door. She has a huge chunk of hair GONE. Caroline was relieved...grateful, in fact, that her friends had relieved her from this burden of being stuck at the door. I have seen this movie thousands of times and every time this scene comes up, I always laugh because it is absurd that she thanks her friends for doing this when, in fact, the door could have just been opened.
This feeling of relief is something that I can now relate to because I have had my head shaved three times for chemo-related alopecia. Each time that Michael and/or the kids shave it, I am thankful and I remember the moment in "Sixteen Candles" where Caroline keeps saying "thank you" to her friends. The aches and awkwardness that come from losing my hair usually subside when we shave it.
So, last night, I had been fed up with the pain and decided it was time to shave it. Michael began the process and the kids followed. I was grateful that it was over. Though it is a surreal situation to have your head shaved, as an adult woman, it is all just part of the process. It is part of purging this cancer from me, of the purification. I am strangely thankful that it is shaved. I hate it, at times, yet I just try to push through the frustration because I know it is a necessary evil.
Depending on when we stop chemo, which could be in a couple of weeks, it will take a little while after that for hair to start to grow back in. My hair is not fully gone at this point so it just feels like a prickly scalp. But, over time, much of the remaining pieces of hair will fall out. I guess the loss of hair still doesn't change that I am me. Though I feel like a different person, I am still just Laura Plunkett.
I am going to download pix of the kids after they shaved my head. They both have handfuls of hair in their hands. They were proud to be part of the process. Kids are so resilient!
Blessings,
Lolo
Caroline was very drunk and had just proven herself as a careless and self-absorbed girl who was only interested in status. Her boyfriend, Jake, was forced to throw a party for friends because Caroline asked everyone over. During this process, Jake gets sick of her and slams the door on her. Part of her beautiful blonde hair gets stuck in the door.
Jake would not open the door so her drunk friends (including Jamie Gertz) decide to get some scissors and cut her hair from the door. She has a huge chunk of hair GONE. Caroline was relieved...grateful, in fact, that her friends had relieved her from this burden of being stuck at the door. I have seen this movie thousands of times and every time this scene comes up, I always laugh because it is absurd that she thanks her friends for doing this when, in fact, the door could have just been opened.
This feeling of relief is something that I can now relate to because I have had my head shaved three times for chemo-related alopecia. Each time that Michael and/or the kids shave it, I am thankful and I remember the moment in "Sixteen Candles" where Caroline keeps saying "thank you" to her friends. The aches and awkwardness that come from losing my hair usually subside when we shave it.
So, last night, I had been fed up with the pain and decided it was time to shave it. Michael began the process and the kids followed. I was grateful that it was over. Though it is a surreal situation to have your head shaved, as an adult woman, it is all just part of the process. It is part of purging this cancer from me, of the purification. I am strangely thankful that it is shaved. I hate it, at times, yet I just try to push through the frustration because I know it is a necessary evil.
Depending on when we stop chemo, which could be in a couple of weeks, it will take a little while after that for hair to start to grow back in. My hair is not fully gone at this point so it just feels like a prickly scalp. But, over time, much of the remaining pieces of hair will fall out. I guess the loss of hair still doesn't change that I am me. Though I feel like a different person, I am still just Laura Plunkett.
I am going to download pix of the kids after they shaved my head. They both have handfuls of hair in their hands. They were proud to be part of the process. Kids are so resilient!
Blessings,
Lolo
Thursday, June 5, 2008
This road I am on...
Hi everyone,
It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and things have been hopping at the Plunkett house. Besides Morgan and Jack starting Tae Kwon Do yesterday(pix to follow in another post), I rode 11.5 miles on my bike last night and walked about 12 today in training for the Komen 3 day walk in August (in Chicago). My sister and I are training on a small team in our home town. All this riding and walking was cathartic for me...helped me to feel normal in my own skin, but it allowed a lot of time for thinking.
Sometimes I wonder why I am on this road called cancer and why the disease doesn't want to give me up, but then I remember its all about the journey. Before I got diagnosed, I wasn't confident enough to ride a bike. I had forgotten I was an athlete. I was too shy to make myself vulnerable to people on the web via a blog and I didn't know how to not to sweat the small stuff.
Now, during the day I find myself indulging in hugging with Jack or Morgan... and I am content. I smile and I laugh so much more than I used to. I think I am growing up, maybe? I leave most of our family calendar relatively open so that we can see where the day takes us. This is especially true of the weekend. It doesn't always work, but this is what I strive for. There is the old saying "Life is what happens while you are planning". This strikes me as an honest point. I always want to get out my calendar and plan the day away, but there is a real day to be enjoyed. NOW. I try to tell myself that all of the time, yet I can forget.
Don't get me wrong, cancer is not easy road. There are some days when the side effects kick in that I wish I weren't on it, that I feel like I did when I was a child and my sister told me a bug was on me. All I wanted to do was scream, "Get it off of me. Get it off of me." That is such a natural reaction, I know. But, for some reason my journey is more complicated than just getting it out of me. I find that I am truly balanced between the love of my friends and family and my own faith. These are the things that prop me up, the glue that holds me together. I am privileged. I still make lots of mistakes, but I am still growing up so I allow myself some room to be clutzy. Many of you have had family members and friends directly affected by this disease and so many of their stories have deeply impacted me for very long time. They have helped me in more ways than I even know. Their courage has given me courage.
I know some of my dreams have been swept away by this disease, yet I have found that those dreams weren't as important as I once thought they were. It is only the perception of what I thought I wanted that has dissolved. The real life is still here...right in front of me. So, I try not to worry about tomorrow and only think about today. I try to live today with genuineness and integrity and I try to heal. My health is one of my jobs, I take it seriously. When we have a setback, I feel the disappointment more than I ever will admit. But I know many good things are happening to my body as a result of this hard-hitting chemo. I believe the medicines are doing their work and I trust in that. Beyond those basics, I am trying not to think about all the "what-ifs". I try to just accept that my disease will stabilize and that I am healing. I will condition myself for the journey and let the road lead me.
Blessings to each of you! I am honored to have you read my blog and share in this wacky journey!
Lolo
It has been a couple of days since I last wrote and things have been hopping at the Plunkett house. Besides Morgan and Jack starting Tae Kwon Do yesterday(pix to follow in another post), I rode 11.5 miles on my bike last night and walked about 12 today in training for the Komen 3 day walk in August (in Chicago). My sister and I are training on a small team in our home town. All this riding and walking was cathartic for me...helped me to feel normal in my own skin, but it allowed a lot of time for thinking.
Sometimes I wonder why I am on this road called cancer and why the disease doesn't want to give me up, but then I remember its all about the journey. Before I got diagnosed, I wasn't confident enough to ride a bike. I had forgotten I was an athlete. I was too shy to make myself vulnerable to people on the web via a blog and I didn't know how to not to sweat the small stuff.
Now, during the day I find myself indulging in hugging with Jack or Morgan... and I am content. I smile and I laugh so much more than I used to. I think I am growing up, maybe? I leave most of our family calendar relatively open so that we can see where the day takes us. This is especially true of the weekend. It doesn't always work, but this is what I strive for. There is the old saying "Life is what happens while you are planning". This strikes me as an honest point. I always want to get out my calendar and plan the day away, but there is a real day to be enjoyed. NOW. I try to tell myself that all of the time, yet I can forget.
Don't get me wrong, cancer is not easy road. There are some days when the side effects kick in that I wish I weren't on it, that I feel like I did when I was a child and my sister told me a bug was on me. All I wanted to do was scream, "Get it off of me. Get it off of me." That is such a natural reaction, I know. But, for some reason my journey is more complicated than just getting it out of me. I find that I am truly balanced between the love of my friends and family and my own faith. These are the things that prop me up, the glue that holds me together. I am privileged. I still make lots of mistakes, but I am still growing up so I allow myself some room to be clutzy. Many of you have had family members and friends directly affected by this disease and so many of their stories have deeply impacted me for very long time. They have helped me in more ways than I even know. Their courage has given me courage.
I know some of my dreams have been swept away by this disease, yet I have found that those dreams weren't as important as I once thought they were. It is only the perception of what I thought I wanted that has dissolved. The real life is still here...right in front of me. So, I try not to worry about tomorrow and only think about today. I try to live today with genuineness and integrity and I try to heal. My health is one of my jobs, I take it seriously. When we have a setback, I feel the disappointment more than I ever will admit. But I know many good things are happening to my body as a result of this hard-hitting chemo. I believe the medicines are doing their work and I trust in that. Beyond those basics, I am trying not to think about all the "what-ifs". I try to just accept that my disease will stabilize and that I am healing. I will condition myself for the journey and let the road lead me.
Blessings to each of you! I am honored to have you read my blog and share in this wacky journey!
Lolo
Monday, June 2, 2008
If I can do it, so can you!:)
(Me in my cycling gear. I didn't smile on this one, was trying to look serious.:)So, I am training for the Komen three day walk in Chicago. This is a 60 mile walk, three days at 20 miles a piece. My sister and I started seriously training this week although we still have to take it relatively easy because of my endurance being shot. We were able to walk about 6 miles yesterday which was very exciting. We are behind in our training due to my chemo, but we are slowly but surely working on catching up. The walk is at the beginning of August in Chicago. Don't worry, I will be sending donation letters your way or you can click on the link to the right for donations.
I am also riding in the MS150 in September. This is a 150+ bike ride over two days to raise awareness for multiple sclerosis. I have not put the link up to that site because I want to get donations for the walk first. However, I love riding the bike. I feel at home on the bike. I rode the slowest 6.5 miles I have ever ridden on the bike today and I am counting it a victory. Two weeks ago, I wasn't able to do any working out on this chemo. My body is not only adapting to the chemo, but I think it is adapting to less tumor burden because the chemo is working.
Our ETA on finishing this chemo is in a couple of weeks. However, there are many admin things to do to make sure that the cancer is going away and that we can move forward with the clinical trial we want to get on. That being said, I never know if I will have to do chemo longer than anticipated. I pray that my meds are working, I feel them working on my body...yet I must accept that I am still in fighting cancer mode and I may need to do more chemo. If so, that may get in the way of my other training for the bike ride I wanted to do in New York for the young survival coalition. We will see.
For now, I am just thankful for each day and I try not to worry about tomorrow. I know we are winning my battle against cancer and before long, all my medicines will keep the cancer stable for good.
Blessings,
Lolo
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