The truth is I don't really sleep very well. I have difficulty sleeping at night without a glass of wine to relax me. Once, I am asleep, I get that high quality REM stage of sleep we are all searching for...I know this because I have intense dreams that I often remember.
I appreciated the joking of this friend because it made me realize that people think my "ON" switch is flipped all of the time. The truth is that it used to be, pre-cancer, I was extremely competitive in work and in my personal life. I tried to hide this side of me as best I could, but it ruled me
In college, I tried to be the best student with the best grades. I had a full time internship while going to college because that was what I was supposed to do. I wanted be the top recruit and build a resume that was chock full with as many activities as possible. For the most part, I was able to make these things happen, but I wasn't happy. I had little sleep and didn't eat well. I had what I like to call, a joyless existence.
Along the way, I got some exceptional professional training by working at a great accounting firm. I also learned that I was responsible for navigating my own path in life. I also met Michael, an extremely well-grounded force in my life. However, my happiness was replaced by busyness.
I had two kids, a girl and a boy. A perfect life, right? I got to quit my job and work at their preschool, which was like taking my kids to DisneyWorld every day. It was a wonderful place. I slowed down a little, but I didn't know how to be happy...that my happiness was my responsibility. Then, I got cancer, and I finally figured some things out...
I realized it was okay for me to have flaws, that flaws can actually be "sexy". I found my voice in life, decided to stop hiding behind my mom or my sister or Michael and just be myself. I went through some pretty hard medicines and pushed through two life-threatening infections. I had multiple surgeries, but I am still here...better than ever. Truly better than ever!
I found balance through this awkward disease. I retired from work altogether after my year of chemo in 2005. This was not because I didn't have the stamina anymore. If I could have made it through chemo and work, then I could have done it for the rest of my life. But quitting was my choice so that I could focus on the things that matter: Michael, Morgan and Jack.
Please don't get me wrong, I don't think families that are dual-income should stop being dual income to have balance. Many can't. I can fully appreciate that from my upbringing...so I am not making a commentary on working parents. I fully respect everyone's families and homes. Balance can be achieved inside and outside of work. For me, my choice meant learning from my cancer experience and making an active choice in my life, not just accepting what life gave me.
It felt good to actually make a choice. Let me be clear, I DID NOT retire because I think my time is limited. This is the furthest thing from my mind. I just know the value of love now and I want to share that with everyone. I have four jobs now anyway, one of which is taking care of my health and addressing balance in our home. (The other three are Mom, writer and breast cancer advocate.)
It was a huge financial adjustment for us, but Michael and I have done just fine. We feel privileged that I get to be here for my kids during the day...and have a more balanced focus on our home and him. I have accepted that I might be a pretty good mom and a decent homemaker. I still struggle with being boxed into the role of homemaker, but I don't accept any box that someone puts me into. That is my stubborn nature.:)
I seek out balance as best I can. I found yet another wonderful book called, "A Pace of Grace" by Linda Kavelin Popov. The subtitle is "The Virtues of a Sustainable Life". Even though grace is in the title, it is not a religious book, though it holds many spiritual principles. The reason I love this book is she gives people like me...the intense ones...the steps to build a life with balance. She talks about health, nutrition, accepting yourself, etc.
She has a whole chapter on NAPPING! She calls it proactive resting and talks about the importance of resting before you get depleted and tired. So this is what I do, I cat nap twice a day for about 20 minutes. I put no expectations on myself to actually "sleep" because I usually can't. Instead, I give myself the freedom to pull back from the day, restore my energy and redirect myself to the positive side of the day.
She indicates that this can be done anywhere and really addresses the importance of self-discipline and balance in her book...a life built on virtues and how personal joy can come from that. It is not a hokey self-help book. I have seen many of those, but I am really selective in terms of the books I buy. She helps you to find little successes every day, to see what you have accomplished as opposed to what you didn't.
So, feel free to take a cat nap. I do! And consider adding balance to your day, in little ways. I will talk more about this book in the future. I think Linda is very wise and soulful. She has many nuggets of wisdom.
Blessings,
Lolo
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