What is so special about being NORMAL?

I am not sure that I have ever been normal. I think people would describe me as sensitive, eccentric, artistic, energetic, but I am not sure I would ever be described as normal. I have spent my entire life trying to be unique, yet also at times, having a desire to blend into the background. I mean, I do live in the heart of the midwest.

Sometimes, I wonder why I try so hard to be normal. It seems a little silly to me. God made us all unique with interesting faces, bodies, minds, etc. I wonder why I try so hard not to respect the originality of me...to pretend I am like everyone else. The truth is that no one is like everyone else. We are all different and that is good.

Paranoia and self-absorption are two states of mind that I despise, yet they seem to be locked arm in arm. My personal opinion is that a paranoid person is someone who spends too much time thinking about themselves...thinking about how other people hate them or think about them or look at them or...whatever. You get my point. If you are spending so much time thinking about all of these things, then you can't do your own thing. You can't fulfill your own purpose because you are letting perceptions of what other people think get in the way. The truth is they are probably not thinking about you and if they are, it is only how you fit in their perceptions of their world.

When I say "YOU" in the last paragraph, I really mean me. This cancer business does get in the way for me. It does affect my perceptions. When someone does a double-take at me in public now, I always wonder if they are thinking I have cancer cooties. I never think it is anything good, that is always bad. For example, I really prefer to wear a do-rag or a hat with my hair loss. Yet, at times, I wear a wig just because I don't want to mess with looking different. I also wear a wig if we have kids around because I just want them to feel normal.

However, it is really funny even when I wear a wig...my kids tell all of their friends that I am bald. So, it seems that even when I am pretending that things are NORMAL, my kids are pushing me to be me. I listened to Morgan tell one of her friends how I have cancer and I am on chemo. I was so proud of her awareness, of her ability to accept and explain to her little friend. Her friend was so sweet. I heard her say that I was still pretty even with no hair. Kids are so cool sometimes. They really get what matters. They really see us for who we are, not who we are trying to be.

I am really going to continue to work on my originality, on my eccentric ways. I do believe that part of this journey for me is to accept who I am. I am going to try to look at other people directly in the eye when I wear my hats or do rags. I am going to try to smile and be myself. And, I am going to do things that I am afraid of...like art classes. I always thought I was good at art until I took it in ninth grade. The teacher and I did not get along and affected my confidence in being a true artist (writer, painter, etc.)

Another way I am pushing myself is with my body. I have scars all over my 5 foot 3 frame, mainly in the abdomen part of my body. But, I have decided to wear a two-piece bathing suit this year. It is my fave suit, it is a deep green that works well with my skin tone and I have decided my scars need a tan. They mostly blend in with the rest of my skin, but they have made me feel insecure...so I am done with that emotion! And, instead of hiding behind clothes so other girls will like me better, I am just going to ROCK whatever look works for me. If people get funny, I can always remind them I am bald under my floppy hat.:)

Breast cancer can strip a girl of many things that makes her feel like a woman...hair, libido, breasts, etc. So, any look that makes me feel comfortable is something that I should embrace. Through this refinement process, I think a better me is emerging...the REAL ME. And, when my hair does grow in enough (it is already starting back), I have vowed I am gonna wear it bold and short and red. I want to keep it short because I can wear it short, but also because I never want a hair decision to effect a health decision.

I am a warrior against cancer. I must always stay fit and prepared to fight. Hair is a big deal to me so I have to break it down a little so it doesn't matter that much. Besides, short and bold and eccentric is who I am. I will learn to accept it! What is so special about being normal anyway?

I hope each of you learn to ROCK your own originality...because that is true beauty!

Blessings,
Lolo