Believe in yourself.

Michael got back in town yesterday and it was SO nice to have him here. I forget sometimes how important his strength is for me. He was gone during my last treatment, which should not have been that big of a deal, but it was to me. Anytime, he is not there, I feel it. He is such a great listener, he is always able to ask the right questions when it comes to representing me. I know I am a tenacious patient, but he is a tenacious caregiver.

I never fault him for needing to work or be at Missouri Boy's State because those are important things for him and our family. However, I realized how much I missed him when we went out on a date and I cried for the majority of the dinner. I think the weight of my scans coming up and the burden of continuous treatment has gotten to me. I am not made of steel, though I would like to MAKE all of you think that. The truth is my cancer has gotten in the way of life for us. It has interrupted things, once again.

But, chemo became a necessary evil and it will be necessary for a while longer. It is just part of my healing. It is more than a bummer because I was just beginning to remember that I am an athlete with cycling as my sport. I did not join the riding groups I wanted to be a part of this summer and most recently, I have become sidelined from all sports for a while. Anything but light bike rides or light walks just wouldn't be prudent at this point. Honestly, I should use any strength to do things around the house and be there for my family.

Chemo has not been easy, but it is doable. I have lost a lot of weight, which might seem ideal to some...but the body loses muscle first, fat second. I feel like a mushy, skinny mess. I realize that I might not look as bad as I feel, yet all of these things have affected my confidence. The chemo has caused sores in my mouth, sores on my scalp, itching and pain on my head, fevers, hair loss and fatigue...among other things that I can't think of because of the chemo. It also affects the brain, in terms of things you can remember. This condition is called chemo-brain.

I am venting a little, but I just want to be a little raw in this post and tell what it is really like to be on chemo. I also want all of you to know that regardless of how much I don't feel like myself, the essence of me is still here. The kindness of all of you still shines through to my world. And, I know that I am healing. I know that this chemo, like the other meds I have taken before, has pushed me to the brink of what I think I can do...yet I don't really know my limits. I have always been able to handle any of these things that have come my way. I am still here. I am still alive. I was able to go wal-mart today and I was able to do things with Morgan and go to Jack's t-ball game. My kids have a happy life with their mom in it. Even though the medicines are melting away the perception of who I thought I was, I am grateful for them because I am alive.

I still believe in me. I still have faith that I will be okay. I still visualize myself as a 90-year-old granny teaching my grandkids how to ride a bike...with many books having already been published. As Michael always reminds me, I am already okay right here and now. I don't need anyone to tell me that I am healing. I am okay. I am already exactly who I need to be...in exactly the right moment in time. I may need to take up more yoga as it is a relaxing sport that also helps to strengthen. I also may add a painting class in the mix so that I can paint whatever I want in relation to my healing...and see my painting with my own blue eyes that are still the same

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get back on the bike. I can't wait to resume life as normal, but I probably need to learn to relax a little a take advantage of this season of rest. There are always other meds on the horizon and I know I will be on those newer drugs at some point. I also know it will be a new normal. My eyes will be more open to what I can do and my empathy will be unimaginable, I hope! My end goals are always to stabilize my cancer and help others through my whole experience. Helping others allows me to find purpose in my disease, but I do still believe that I will have healing. I hope that each of you believe in your ability to be well!

Thanks to all of you for your positive thoughts and prayers! They mean the world to me!

Blessings,
Lolo