The Anatomy of Hope.

Today, I am a little bummed. Randy Pausch, the political science instructor from Carnegie Mellon who became famous for his Last Lecture, died of complications from pancreatic cancer. It is so bizarre to me that he died today and the internet already has the information. It is so quick. I know his cancer is different than mine and I know that I am doing really well, but it is hard not to feel the effects when someone great dies of your disease. Tony Snow died three weeks ago from colon cancer and now Randy Pausch. These people are great people who faced death in such a graceful fashion.

I bet you all didn't know that I do face my mortality every so often. I look it in the face and I deal with it. I respect the disease that I have, I also have a healthy fear of it. Yet, I also have hope. I have real hope based on meds and treatments and so forth. I am grateful, but that doesn't mean that other people's stories don't affect me. I process their passing as a grieving of a friend because I feel that I relate to them. It is hard to find people I can relate to in this wild cancer club, yet I look for it because it helps me cope. Their stories help me find my place in this world.

I try to view people like Randy Pausch or Tony Snow as cancer successes because they did have hope and they used their experience to help others. I can not change their diseases. If I could, I would. If I could take cancer off the face of this earth, I would figure out a way to do it. But, I understand these things are out of my control. In many respects, I am just glad I got to see a glimpse of their wisdom before their cancers over took them. I don't think they lost their battle with cancer, but, in fact, they won because it didn't affect their souls. They lived with the knowledge of what they were facing. They also lived with real hope and honest wisdom.

I have been reading this book recommended to me by a friend. It is called The Anatomy of Hope by Jerold Groopman. It has been a great book for me because it is really hard for me to describe why have hope and why I feel that it is real and tangible to me. Groopman is a physician and he takes you through his emotional evolution from being a newbie doctor to being a patient, himself. He is an oncologist. The first half of the book, he really describes these interesting experiences of people who either recovered from their disease or did not.

The ones who did recover often had a hope that was indescribable. One such situation was a colleague of his who had a terminal stomach cancer. His fellow doctors all believed he would succumb to the disease, but he didn't. Groopman met up with him years later and confessed to the fact that none of them thought he would live. The physician who was a stomach cancer patient knew that at time time, but he also felt he would survive. His wife, who was his strength, gave him hope every day. The patients Groopman highlighted who did not recover, were often situations where he felt ill-equipped to help them as a physician. He could help them with the medicines, but did not know how to give them hope in the situation. He later went through his own issues with chronic pain and that is when he really started to understand hope...that is when medicine became personal for him. That is also when he ran into a Hope Stealer.

Who are Hope Stealers? They are those people who take the wind out of your sails, or barrage you with negativity so that you can not achieve what you need to do. As a patient, I have had one or two Hope Stealer physicians and I can assure you that they have left a lasting mark on me, even though I consider myself to be mentally fit to take on this disease. I work on forgiving them, but I get angry because for whatever reason, they were so cold and aloof to me. One physician was pretty mean to me. I tried so hard, but I know I let his words sink into my skull and absorb into my brain. I breathed in that negativity and let it strip away my hope. This is because no matter how strong we are as people, I truly believe there is nothing worse than rejection from the medical expert. It is jarring and difficult to get over.

Regardless, I know that I had a part in letting that physician steal my hope. I let his words affect me. I let his actions chip away at the person that I am and that I know I can be. I would often say he made me mad because he abused his power with me and probably did with less confident patients. But, the truth is he just really attacked my ability to heal, which is a difficult thing to hear. So, I am working on forgiving and I am working being stronger in the future. I encourage each of you to recognize that you have a role in this process, too. When hope-stealers come your way and confuse, try to remember that things aren't always what they seem. Maybe their confidence is a cover for insecurity. Who knows why people do such mean things sometimes, but I always try to remember that it is not really about me. It is about them. I am just in the way at that moment. That is all.

Like I have said, I am a fan of thinking that life is good and that people are good. Ultimately, I will trust people until they prove me otherwise and I believe this optimism is a good thing. I have many lovely people in my life who are amazing and honest and good. I know that the Hope-Stealers are few and far between, but somehow we let them affect us more than the goodness that surrounds us. Or at least this has happened to me at times. So, this is one of the things I work on...constantly.

Groopman's book is great because at the beginning he reminds me of some doctors I have met that I didn't sync with. But then he evolves and a doctor rejects him, tells him that there is nothing they can do for his chronic pain. The doctor was an expert in his field so he believed him. Who wouldn't? Slowly, but surely, Groopman found his way to positive people who would help him heal. He fought very hard to get there, but he is now pain-free and overcome what some physicians would say is impossible. Healing from a chronic condition takes time, but it can happen.

I have really learned the hard way that when someone tries to steal your hope, they are just not the right situation or person for you. If a friend, a physician...whoever, doesn't support you when you are doing and believing good things and creating positive karma for this world, then it is okay to question whether they belong in your life. And, rarely, they may be someone that you need in your life for a while...like a physician or someone at work...so you may have to accept them without accepting their perception of you. This is not an easy thing.

That is why I am working on forgiveness and realigning my expectations with what is reasonable. Groopman's book has been a good tool to affirm whatever I already know...that my perspective is built on real hope with solid information that I am healing. If any of you ever want to take a chance on his book, I believe you won't be disappointed. His awareness of the biology of hope (explaining the mind-body connection) and the role of fatigue in chronic conditions is extremely enlightening. I truly appreciate and understand his perspective and evolution from doctor to caring physician.

I hope I have explained this subject matter well. i am not feeling well today and it has made my brain a little scrambled. I wish each of you a wonderful weekend! I will write more tomorrow.

Blessings,
Lolo