Getting stronger.

Today was the first Sunday since I started this chemotherapy that I have attended church. Church and my faith are very important to me, but it has been so difficult to have the energy to go on a Saturday night or a Sunday right after chemo on Friday. However, since we have made some med changes, I have felt stronger and stronger every day. I am not ready to go out and run or ride the bike, but I had a lot of energy yesterday to do many things around the house.

The last time I was in the Church common area, I was getting the Vacation Bible Classroom ready with my co-teachers. I got so sick that week, I wasn't able to teach. However, getting the classroom ready made me feel good. I would love to be a teacher. I am not sure it is on the agenda of things for me to do in life, but when I get to be involved with decorating a classroom...it always makes me feel special.

There was a lot of running up and down stairs while we got the classroom ready. Each time I took the stairs, I would feel weak or dizzy or winded. It was horrible. I tried to hide it around my co-teachers. I always try to hide the effects of the medicine if it is causing me problems. It is just pride and it just gets in the way and I am not happy to admit that I am prideful. I was also dehydrated. It was just a bad day because my meds were going a little haywire. I accept that there are bad days in this process, but I just don't like to share the negative very much. I want to be the ray of sunshine or hope for people...even that sounds arrogant and prideful, but I work on my intentions so they will always be pure. I am only human, though.

Today, when I went up the stairs to the church, I did not feel dizzy or disoriented. I was a little winded, but this is because exercise has been hard for me to do while on this chemo. I felt the walk up the stairs was a victory because I didn't feel each step as before. I didn't feel like stopping and bending over. Instead, I glided over the steps, cautiously yet optimistically keeping my eyes on the prize at the top of the stairs.

It is amazing to see with these eyes, with the perspective that life is such a privilege. It truly is, though. Walking up and down the stairs, being able to eat good food..these are all common things, but they are privileges that some people don't have. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened, that I am more compassionate to those who are different because I too feel different from the world. People always used to say that cliche saying "Well, you always have your health" as a form of consolation when you don't get "things" in life. But, what happens when you DON'T have your health? I can tell you that I just keep looking inside of me to find more strength and it is there. I keep thinking I might be at the brink of what the meds can do, but then I respond. I try to always live with hope and see the silver lining. More importantly, I don't let anyone steal my hope anymore. It is not theirs to take.

It is hard to live every day never taking anything for granted, but I try to approach each situation with that mindset. That nothing is giving to us and that most things we love, we must actively give away and hope it will come back to us. The people we truly care about, we do not own and at the end of the day, all of us are alone. This does not make me feel lonely as much as it used to, instead I feel empowered to know that the people in my life are actively making a choice to be around. We all have choices with how we spend our time and live our lives. I just want my life to be productive and honest and genuine. I will keep working on it. I will keep working on getting stronger, too. Progress is good.

The picture is of me with my wig and a funky hat I wore too church. I have always muted my style a little for fear that people would really know how crazy or eccentric I am. Since I have been stripped of all that is "normal", I do not worry about this as much. I am continuing to push myself to be the original me that God made. I was privileged to be able to go to church today and bound up the stairs with enthusiasm. I am thankful to see with these new eyes.

Have a wonderful and healthy day!

Blessings,
Lolo