Bloody noses, battle scars and HOPE.

Hi friends,

Just wanted to let you know I had chemo on Thursday and am doing great. I got my dose of abraxane, which is the chemotherapy. I also got two pre-meds for nausea and Herceptin, which is my targeted drug. I take another drug orally every night, it is called Tykerb. It is a targeted drug, too.

The strangest side effect I have at this point is related to bloody noses. I forget to talk about it, but they are daily and can last up to 20 minutes. One of the meds, Tykerb, really causes this condition that most people call "crusty nose". Pretty gross. Anyway, it is like each morning I wake up with my nose filled with gunk.

And when I try to resolve my issue, I blow my nose. The bloody nose then follows. The problem is that sometimes my hemoglobin is low and I can bleed pretty easily. Of course, it becomes this vicious cycle of me needing to blow my nose more so I can breath better and my nose bleeding more. Finally, when I can stop blowing, the bloody nose will continue for a while.

This process is an absolute mess. The only reason I am really telling you any of this is because I think it is kind of funny and makes me very human. Often, I write about overcoming fear with the HOPE that I have. I know my mindset and all that I have been through can make me seem a bit super-human. I am not at all. Whatever power I have in me to heal, so do you! We are all made of the same stuff.

I also know that my cancer can make me seem different from most people. I am not sure if it is a fear of me or a fear for me that I see in people's eyes sometimes. Regardless, I know most people are afraid of cancer. I don't blame them. I was afraid of it, too. At times, I am still scared. I try to transition that to respect of the disease, but sometimes it is still just fear. I wouldn't wish this thing on anyone, but I sure have learned a lot of wonderful things through this process. Most of the awareness has helped me to know myself better, to accept my own voice in this world.

I was talking to two of my favorite survivors this week and both of them uttered the same point to me. They are both strong, resilient and believe in their abilities to heal. They both, at times, fear the disease and get scared. But they both said to me that "Death is not an option." When I truly think about this, it angers me that we young girls have to face our mortality in this way. Yet, I feel the same way as they do. Life is the only option. I have people who rely on me and I am fortunate enough to have them.

I have a truly supportive husband and two wonderful kids. I am just starting to come into my own as a writer and an athlete. Cancer is a part of my daily life. We are still working towards stabilizing my disease. I imagine we will get there soon, but that we will always deal with this disease. It will ebb and flow until most of the cancer cells are dead. I don't seek out some dream state where there is no more disease. I do believe I will have complete stability over the cancer, at some point, but it might not look perfect. In fact, I am sure it won't be pretty. I have scars all over me already. My stability could mean there will be tumors in my body, but they just aren't growing. It could mean they are made of dead tissue or are indolent. I don't know and I try not to worry about the small steps in the journey. They don't matter as much as the overall goal.

Whatever the case, the battle scars will be there. They already are...and I am totally okay with them, even a little proud of them.:) Okay, gotta take Mo to Wal-mart so we can get some Jonas Brother's stuff for the concert we are going to on Monday. Yes! Mo and I are going to the Jonas Brothers concert...pretty fun. I have a kick-butt plaid fedora hat that I am hoping she will let me wear...we will see. Life is really good, even for those of us on chemo!

Blessings,
Lolo